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essay for the Pratt (plesase revise the grammar)


saemilee517 3 / -  
Nov 24, 2008   #1
Applicant :
Date of birth :
Personal statement

The difference between me and other kids were watching Charles Chaplin's movies and going exhibitions or watching educational video and listening peers. On account of my parents, who work in the movie industry and hold exhibition regularly, it was very natural to me being exposed in art and got interest in it. For this reason, my parents knew that I will be a part of them.

Come across, special moment that made up my mine came to me. When I was young, I met a famous designer as interior and theme park design. Meeting him effects on me to have desire for interior design. What I learn from him is about the history of design and meaning which is developed along with human's history. After that, I started to read all kind of magazines. It does not matter whether it is about interior or fashion I read them as long as I could learn about the interior. Everything involved with like listen to the music, watching movies and reading books effect on my work. I often get the inspiration from people who pass by and views watching from the bus around. The second moment that made up my mine was when I was a high school student. I had chance to volunteer with "Habitat" to building houses for the homeless. It was not just building houses for them but giving comfort and hope to them. With this experience, I realized the necessity of understanding about human and knowledge of design. Creativity and unique are the words that I am looking for in my art as well as contains the meaning and moral.

The realization of my hope needs professional help that is why I am applying to your school. My goal while I am in your school is make myself colorful and widen my knowledge about interior design. Study in your school with professional professors and students who have different past would enhance my career. I would like to stand up myself with own feet after graduate and have variety experiences in the real field. Then I would like to be called as interior designer for human.
EF_Team5 - / 1,586  
Nov 24, 2008   #2
Good afternoon :)

I have corrected the first piece of your essay and included some general suggestions:

"The difference between other kids and I/mewas thatWho? were watching Charles Chaplin's movies and going to exhibitions or watching educational video and listening peers. On account of my parents, who work in the movie industry and hold exhibitions regularly, it was very natural for me to beexposed to art and get interest in it. For this reason, my parents knew that I will be a part of them. "What does this mean?

My main concern here is your mechanics; you have a good essay but I am afraid that your story will get lost in mechanical errors. To help with this, I suggest one of the books from the "Prentice Hall Guide for College Writers" series written by Stephen Reid. You can pick any of them up cheap used, or get them from the library. I think there are six in the series now, and any of them would help you here.

Use my comments and corrections from above to look through the rest of your piece and look for other areas that should be corrected.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com


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