This is a topic of your choice essay and i need some critique on how to fix this up please
"I just need prayer..." "...Prayer is all that you need..." "...God will show you the answers..." Statements coming at me like bullets. I don't even know how to respond. As a little kid, you aren't really supposed to know how to respond. Confusion was filling my yet to develop young mind. My heart was beating so loud and fast, my heart felt it was popping out of my chest. All my senses felt like they were fading. Why was my body doing all this just for simple statements that I can refute? I still to this day cannot answer that question.
As a young child in his pre teens growing up to be a teenager, I always perceived myself as a "rebel" whenever it came to anything to do with my religion. I skipped service, fooled around in my religion class; I never really understood the reason why u should believe in something that wasn't even tangible. However, during my junior and senior year of my high school career, it all changed.
In my church, they always hold an event called Praise Night, where individuals from various types of denominations coalesce to worship God. During the earlier years of my life, I attended the event in order to see my friends that are from different parts of the state. As I entered the sanctuary, it felt like I was overwhelmed by a strong force. The pull of the strong force persuaded me to end up staying for the entire event. During certain parts of the event my whole body had a tingling sensation. It felt like my body was renewed. At a certain point during the event, there was a time set for devotion. I was already pulled in by something, and I didn't know what it was, so I told myself to give it a shot. I pour3ed out all my feelings to one of the people that was designated to help pray for your problems I poured out all my wrong doings and I wept for a little because I have never shared those feelings with anyone. While the person was praying for me, I felt that pull again. This time I knew it was the presence of God. I heard him talking to me and telling me that he has forgiven me for all the wrong doings in my life. At this point, I was weeping hysterically. My eyes were swollen from all the tears. I realized He was watching over me this whole time.
God has kept an eye over my shoulder throughout my life. I realized that after the event. I started praying more and reading the Bible more frequently. It helped me make better decisions in life and have a person to look up to and ask for guidance when I need it. Sometimes you need something to believe in to strive for success in the future.
I think it is a good essay, and you could use it for common app, or a supplement, depending on the topic. However, someone from a college admissions said that, although it is okay, to steer away from religious essays. Even though they are not supposed to, admissions officers can show bias, especially if they do not share the same religion. However, your essay definitely reveals a lot about you, so I say use it.
Would you mind looking at mine?
Thank you! Do you have any suggestions to edit in it? Yes, i will look at yours.
I'm not a huge fan of the intro.. the quotes confused me at the beginning but that could just be me.
"I just need prayer..." "...Prayer is all that you need..." "...God will show you the answers..." Statements coming at me like bullets. I do not even know how to respond.
As a young child in his pre teens growing up to be a teenager, I always perceived myself as a "rebel" whenever it came to anything to do with my religion. I skipped service, fooled around in my religion class; I never really understood the reason why u should believe in something that wasn't even tangible. However, during my junior and senior year of my high school career, it all changed. As a little kid, you are not expected to know how to respond. Confusion was filling my premature mind. My heart was beating so loud and fast, it felt as if it was going to pop out of my chest. All my senses felt like they were fading.(How? Use sensory details.) Why was my body doing all this just for simple statements that I can refute? I still, to this day, cannot answer that question.
Every year, my church holds an event called Praise Night, where individuals from various types of denominations coalesce to worship God. During the earlier years of my life, I attended the event in order to see my friends who are from different parts of the state. As I entered the sanctuary, it felt like I was overwhelmed by a strong force. The pull of the strong force persuaded me to end up staying for the entire event. During certain parts of the event my whole body had a tingling sensation. It felt like my body was renewed. At a certain point during the event, there was a time set for devotion. I was already pulled in by something, and I did not know what it was, so I told myself to give it a shot. I poured out all my feelings to one of the people that was designated to help pray for your problems I poured out all my wrong doings and I wept for a little because I have never shared those feelings with anyone. While the person was praying for me, I felt that pull again. This time I knew it was the presence of God. I heard him talking to me and telling me that he has forgiven me for all the wrong doings in my life. At this point, I was weeping hysterically. My eyes were swollen from all the tears. I realized He was watching over me this whole time.
I realized after the event, th at God has kept an eye over my shoulder throughout my life. I realized that after the event. I started praying more and reading the Bible more frequently. It helped me make better decisions in life and have a person to look up to and ask for guidance when I need it. Sometimes you need something to believe in to strive for success in the future.
AVOID ALL CONJUNCTIONS. (aren't=are not)
Every so often(year, month?), my church holds...
