Hello, I am working on UC transfer personal statement and I would like to have some critical and grammatical error feedback.
This is prompt #1:
What is your intended major? Discuss how your interest in the subject developed and describe any experience you have had in the field ï such as volunteer work, internships and employment, participation in student organizations and activities ï and what you have gained from your involvement.
I started off my college life at a half-way-around-the-world place from my home, without any idea what I should study ï I was an international, undecided-major student back then. I felt lost. Following my instinct, I picked some general classes in the first semester; one of them was a biology class. Although it was an introductory biology, I found interest in that class. It was totally different from high school as I had many practical experiments in lab to support the lecture. The more I spent time in the lab, the more I felt excited about biology.
After that semester, I decided to take an advanced biology class: cell/molecular biology. With an in-depth study in cell structures and function, bacteria, molecular level organisms and applied bioengineering, I was even more fascinated with biology ï especially bioengineering. I spent hours researching bacterial study and bioengineering after school. The more articles and journals I read, the more enthusiastic I became about bioengineering. Lab was my favorite time of the week; I spent more time in learning and practicing the lab techniques. I took advantage of office hour every week to ask further questions about lecture and lab reports. No wonder bioengineering became my real passion in life; I enjoyed every hours in biology class. I changed my major to biology in the pursuit of transferring to a four-year university and obtaining a degree in bioengineering. I was offered to be a teaching assistant in lab the following semester; I worked four hours a week in lab preparation under the instruction of my professor, helped other students do experiments and graded parts of their lab reports. It was tremendous. This opportunity not only strengthened my knowledge and practical techniques, but also opened a vision in educational career as I felt affection for helping other students pursue their knowledge.
I joined in a pre-health student organization called Doctors of Tomorrow; I found enjoyment of working with other students on campus. I distinguished myself after the first semester and became the youngest Vice President of Internal Development. For four months, I worked non-stop from designing poster and brochure, advertising to students, organizing participants' information booths to managing volunteer work for the first ever Health Fair, an event promoting health awareness and providing health resources to students in campus. My role was significant. It turned out to be one of the biggest and most successful events that semester; our organization received excellent feedback from both faculty members and students. For the first time in my life, I explored my capacity in leadership and student services.
From being an undecided major student, I have not only found my passion in bioengineering but have also contributed my capacity to other people. Every experience that I have gone through is a precious lesson in my life. My goal upon obtaining a bachelor degree is to work on disease treatment research and to teach bioengineering in college. I want to help other students find their passion in that field of study.
Thank you very much!
It is a great essay and answers the qn correctly.
my two cent:
Lab hours was my favorite time of the week
I enjoyed every hour in biology class
Please review the following sentence.
From being an undecided major student, I have not only found my passion in bioengineering but have also contributed my capacity to other people.
The more time I spent in the lab, the more excited I felt about biology.
For four months, I worked non-stop from designing poster and brochure, advertising to students, organizing participants' information booths to managing volunteer work for the first ever Health Fair, an event promoting health awareness and providing health resources to students on campus.