Hey guys, I'm just looking for a few tips on how to improve this essay. Post any comments please! Thanks!
A sheet of paper lied within the grasp of my fingertips. The Congressional Youth Leadership Council's logo was splayed across the top, my full name and address stationed directly below. The words underneath invited me to participate in the 2008 Global Young Leaders Conference, immediately exciting me. This moment replayed in my mind as my parents and I were packing our minivan for the four-hour journey to the conference's venue: the nation's capital. According to the letter, I would learn how a global government functions and how individual nations play a role in this regime. What the letter failed to tell me, however, was that the conference would also teach me how to step out of my comfort zone into an environment packed with complete strangers, foreign customs, and unfamiliar feelings.
Seconds after pulling out of the driveway en route to Washington, my parents and I began our usual argument about which CD to pop into the stereo. I preferred the fresh tracks of the latest Bollywood hit Race, while my parents predictably campaigned for their favorite album of oldies. This polarized dispute reminded me of the argument with my parents days after opening the letter. Disinclined to send me away for two full weeks, they insisted, "Nahin, beta (no, son)." Eventually, my expressions of passionate interest won them over; however, a little voice inside my head continually reminded me of my doubts about leaving home for more than a night and being completely in the presence of strangers. With the conference still months away, I ignored these fears. As the time until summer elapsed, that little voice continued to become louder and my apprehension continued to intensify relentlessly.
Finally, our minivan pulled into the parking lot of the high-rise Sheraton where the conference's first week was set to transpire. As we unloaded my suitcase from our vehicle, a representative from the conference greeted us. She sported a t-shirt featuring the organization's logo - a symbol I knew would dwell in the corner of my eye for the next two weeks. Soon the moment of the goodbyes came, met with loving hugs from both parents and the expected "Apna khayaal rakhna (Take care of yourself)." By the end of the day, 200 miles would separate me from any form of familiarity.
After sending a mass text message containing a simple "What's up?" to a few of my friends, I sighted a fellow scholar who looked just as lost as me. I trudged to his seat and began conversation with the suggested greeting: "Hey! I'm Rishi and I'm from the United States. What's your name?"
"Hi, I'm André and I'm from France," he responded through a thick French accent. I was astounded, about to have my first conversation with a native French speaker. Still receiving congratulations for recently winning 4th place nationally on the National French Exam, I was semi-confident in my French skills. I snapped into French mode and soon made my first new friend. I was now assured that, for the duration of the conference, I would be able to recognize at least one face.
With each elapsing day at the conference, I became more excited about what the next one had in store for me and my fears gradually dwindled. With each simulation of the United Nations, I gained a few new familiar faces. I worked closely with fellow students from all around the globe and acquired new knowledge about the different cultures my peers brought to the table, literally. When the time came to draft our final resolution, I felt more comfortable than ever sharing my ideas with people my own age whom, just a week earlier, I would have passed in a crowded hallway without waving my hand.
Finally, the time for our final simulation - a mock global summit in the United Nations headquarters in New York City - had arrived. As I sat anxiously in my seat, I peered across the intimidating conference chamber, picturing dictators and prime ministers deliberating over various bills and resolutions. I chatted with my fellow diplomats in the Venezuela country-group about what actions we were planning on taking in this final summit. Before the proceedings began, I took one last glance around. I was proud to realize that I could identify by name and nationality more than three quarters of my peers in the room.
By the time the conference concluded, I was not prepared to return to suburbia. In the short span of two weeks, I overcame an atmosphere of overwhelming trepidation and accepted it for the opportunities it could potentially bring. I came to the realization that not only is a step out of my comfort zone crucial for growth and maturation, but also that I can learn plenty from taking a simple chance. Through this adventure, I have learned that trekking into a world of unfamiliarity engenders more than anxiety; it allows one to reach new heights in life. I am now confident in my abilities to tackle any challenge that life has to offer me - whether it is another conference, the United Nations, or college.
A sheet of paper lay within the grasp of my fingertips.
This, below, is a great sentence, but I'll add a comma:
With each elapsing day at the conference, I became more excited about what the next one had in store for me, a nd my fears gradually dwindled.
You write so well! This really needs an introduction, though. You can turn the first para into an intro by changing the last sentence or two to make them capture the meaning of this challenge. Let the last sentence of the first para refer to a theme, a truth.
Then, discuss that same truth in the last para. Supporting an essay with thesis and conclusion... it is like putting a picture in a frame.
