Temple University Admissions Essay. English is my second Language.
Really need help with my essay. my English is not that good. Any help would be really appreciate.
prompt: Imagine you have graduated from Temple University. You are preparing to attend your 10-year reunion, and the alumni office has asked you to write a one-page essay about your personal and professional accomplishments since graduation. What would yours say?
Is it possible that one person can help change the world? Before starting my career at Temple University my only dream was to become the owner of the high-tech company Google. At the age of ten, my parents gave me my first cellphone. Since then I was very interested in any type of technology. A lot of people including my parents use to call me, when they needed to do anything in their phones, like for example changing their wallpapers (it sounds funny right?).
For that reason, working towards my bachelor's degree was a really fun time. I didn't only learned about technology but also I made a lot of friends and developed skills and morals that I would use my entire life. Morals that changed the way I think, behave and made me realize how happy I feel helping others.
The first year after I receive my degree I could get a job in a small company as leader of a software team where I could get a lot of experience in both the work itself as well as of my mates. Five years later the company partnered with Google and Samsung for the development of an application for their mobile phone. Thanks to my effort, determination and recommendation of the company, I was able to get a job as manager of application development on Google. But the story does not ends there. One of the goals that I have set up and still remains firm, is to help all the people you can and make more people try to help. Whether something big like bring plenty of water and food to countries in need, or something small like giving talks to children on schools so they know how good it is to help.
Since I was little I wanted to become a successful person. I wanted to be recognize worldwide, mainly by my family. I wanted to have the sense that only by looking at their eyes and without saying any word, I could feel that they are proud of me.it is impossible for one person to change the whole world but it's definitely possible for that one person to help others and change it together. That's why I thanks god and really appreciate that ten years ago I got accepted to Temple University and learned those morals.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 10,529 3444
Yunior, you have the right idea when it comes to the accomplishments that you dream of having within 1 years. The bad news, is that you presented in the wrong way in the essay. Think of this as a letter to your future self. Better yet, think of this as your 10 year , long term career plan. As such, you don't need to talk about your time at school and having fun getting your degree. This is a future scenario. Where do you see yourself in ten years?
The best way to set up this essay would be to open with a statement like "Has it been 10 years since I attended Temple? It seems like only yesterday when I dreamed of owning a publicly listed start up company. I can't believe that dream of mine has already come true. I will admit though, I didn't have an easy time achieving my dream. Right after graduating from Temple..."
You have to show your planned career progression in this essay. I already showed you an example of how to do that. The rest is up to you. You can actually use the information in the third paragraph as a part of your new essay. Start from scratch. Develop a fresh essay that will better show off your future career plans in hindsight form.