Do you guys think this is too different? Bowdoin's mascot is a polar bear, so I thought this might be an interesting, creative-writing-sort-of-take on the prompt. Should I cut out some of the parts about reuniting with Bowdoin and talk more about my academics?
Bowdoin is a liberal arts college that thrives on intellectual discourse in and out of the classroom. Students, faculty, and staff all participate in the exchange of ideas in an atmosphere characterized by high achievement and a sense of balance. The Admissions Committee is eager to learn more about you and your school community. Reflecting on your own educational experiences, how have you prepared yourself to enter an academic environment like Bowdoin's? (Suggested length: 250-500 words.)
Parker was a young polar bear. He wasn't a cub, but he wasn't an adult either. As a youthful bear, Parker relied on his strong sense of curiosity to help him solve problems and become a stronger student. He found his method of learning helped him through high school. Instead of simply settling for what he learned in class, he would expand upon his knowledge by doing research at home. History projects were not finished until he had thoroughly examined every detail, read every minute fact, and covered every inch of the topic in question. He developed a polar bear-sized hunger for knowledge.
Parker may have been motivated academically, but he felt that balance was lacking between his academics and extracurricular activities. He had always been interested in art, but had never really pursued it at school. Along with enrolling in an intensive AP Studio Art class, Parker reestablished the National Art Honors Society at Country Day and was appointed president. As the polar bear president of the NAHS, he quickly learned how to manage his succeed in his academics and extracurricular pursuits while still getting adequate time to hibernate nightly. Parker enjoyed being a leader. He also enjoyed the strong sense of camaraderie he felt with his peers as he led a study group or an NAHS meeting. There was only one problem. Parker was the only polar bear at his tiny Sacramento school.
Earlier this year, Parker was asked to apply to the Bowdoin Invitational. He sent in his application with his snout twisted into a worried polar bear cringe; for some reason he was particularly anxious about being admitted to the program. Parker felt the Invitational had something truly exciting in store for him.
And he was right.
The day Parker arrived at Bowdoin, he was greeted in Moulton Union with a warm polar bear hug. He ran into a familiar polar bear, Tiernan Cutler, while sitting in on an engaging Renaissance Art History class. They spoke for a bit afterward, and decided to meet in Smith Union to chat a bit more about Bowdoin. Tiernan shared Parker's interest in Art History. "As long as you've prepared well enough in your Art History classes," Tiernan told Parker, "the faculty will let you curate your own exhibits at the art museum."
As he passed through the long hallway and out the door, something happened. Memories flooded his furry skull as he stood before the polar bear statue in front of Smith Union. He remembered the "Great Crack"; the momentous splitting of the Bowdoin Iceberg when he was but a wee cub of three or four years old. It was all coming back to him. He recollected the time at which the icy ground beneath him had split from his home of Brunswick, Maine, drifted all the way around the tip of South America, and landed on the shores of the Sacramento River. He had finally returned home to his fellow polar bears at Bowdoin. After years of hard academic preparation, he was ready to go back.
It is a good concept but I think you overplay the polar bear aspect too much
Ok. I actually think I understand where you're coming from. Could you go through my essay and tell me a few places you think I could "play down" the polar bear back-story? That would be extremely helpful. Thanks!
polar bear-sized hunger for knowledge.
As the polar bear president of the NAHS
And I don't really understand this part
He remembered the "Great Crack"; the momentous splitting of the Bowdoin Iceberg when he was but a wee cub of three or four years old. It was all coming back to him. He recollected the time at which the icy ground beneath him had split from his home of Brunswick, Maine, drifted all the way around the tip of South America, and landed on the shores of the Sacramento River. He had finally returned home to his fellow polar bears at Bowdoin. After years of hard academic preparation, he was ready to go back.
No doubt, it's pretty hilarious. I loved the polar bear concept. But it just might be because I like polar bears. Keep in mind that some serious people are going to read it and they may not like the "story-telling" feel that you're giving.
It's a risk but I think it might be worth it.
Didn't find many grammar mistakes either.
Maybe you should take out some polar bear parts.
Oh and I didn't really understand the conclusion. Were you trying to tie back into something?
Overall, interesting essay.
Can you edit mine too?
Thanks for the input, Jordan and Mary. I think I'm going to go for the risky option this time. I am really having trouble with the conclusion, however. How can I eliminate my really creative writing-ish thing with the "Great Crack" and still tie my essay up nicely?
And yes, Mary, I will take a look at your Cornell supplement! Could you also take a look at my short Bates essay? Thank you!
actually i really like the story-telling polar bear idea. its very cute and it'll probably make you stand out and i'm sure admissions officers would love a break from the typical 'i am...i am...and i am...'
are you majoring in art? even though i love your approach i have to say i dont see a whole lot of the 'academic' aspects of your high school life...at all.
(hello mr polar bear i am arctic bunny - hopefully i will become a Brown bear)
no grammar problems. well except-
He remembered the "Great Crack"; <- i personally like my punctuation marks inside the quotes but i guess its up to you
read my essay too? :D
What was your conclusion trying to say?
Maybe if you explain it without the polar bear analogy, I'll be able to get it.
:D
yeah if you limit the polar bear references and work on the ending the you will have a slamming essay
Its really inventive to use the schools mascot in that aspect. and it also shows that you have a deep rooted interest in the school.
Also if any of you could read my Why Vassar Essay it would be greatly appreciated. I want to make sure its good before i send it.
