Here is a rough draft of my essay for the University of Wisconsin-Madison's Essay, please let me know what you think... thanks!
Prompt: The University of Wisconsin values an educational environment that provides all members of the campus community with opportunities to grow and develop intellectually, personally, culturally and socially. In order to give us a more complete picture of you as an individual, please tell us about the particular life experiences, perspectives, talents, commitments and/or interests you will bring to our campus. In other words, how will your presence enrich our community?
As I searched to find my luggage on the crowded baggage claim belt in Tel Aviv a man dressed in a traditional white and black suit approached a friend of mine and in a polite manner asked if he would pray with him as it would be a mitzvah, or a good deed. It was that day in the airport that I noticed that although these two Jews lived in cultures 6,000 miles apart they could easily find something that brought them together. Being an active participant in my Jewish community at home is what naturally drew me to this opportunity to study in Israel as a high school student. This man, like a traditional Judaic phrase says had an outstretched arm, something I would find characteristic of the Israelis I would encounter on my journey.
Although most of my time there was spent learning and exploring it turned out I would also spend three different evenings at the hospital in the local town of Kfar-Sava. At this point the different reasons I had for sitting in the hospital waiting room so many times are self-limiting. Local families with outstretched arms were there every time offering me assistant, care, and compassion. Each evening I spent sitting in the uncomfortable plastic waiting room chair I found more reason to help others, to be compassionate and to go into the field of science.
By joining the community at the University of Wisconsin-Madison I would be in a position to actively tell others about my experience as pertaining to the classroom setting as well as outside such as in the University's Hillel. My journey has provoked my interested in meeting people not just from around the United States but from around the world. The Muslim Jewish Volunteer Initiative offered at Madison is one I could contribute both my compassion and knowledge to. At the University of Wisconsin-Madison I would not only be a science student but a volunteer and a leader.
Hello, I'm sorry so many days passed before your essay got a response.
I think I know why: no one knows how to give advice about such a great essay! I don't know how to improve this...
You gracefully introduced this with an anecdote and in paragraph 2 you got right to the heart of the matter. I would not want to suggest any significant changes... the only help I have to offer is for this sentence:
To the Muslim Jewish Volunteer Initiative offered at Madison I could contribute both my compassion and knowledge.
The content of the essay should not be changed, though. It answers the prompt perfectly. Maybe you could "sharpen" the concept of yourself as a science student by mentioning details that connect science to the theme of the essay or that connect your intentions for the future to the theme of the essay.
Make it as though you are so focused on your intentions about science that you mention it during any discussion.
