Hey guys can you guys please edit my essay for UT Austin, I am trying to transfer there. Any feedback is appreciated. Thank you very much :)
Essay 2: Choose an issue of importance to you-the issue could be personal, school related, local, political, or international in scope-and write an essay in which you explain the significance of that issue to yourself, your family, your community, or your generation.
I've been around my parents for over 17 years now, and just like the act of breathing, the presence of my parents has slowly lost definition. Busy with my own trivial concerns, by the time I'd approached high school, they had slipped past my senses completely. This was further augmented by the inescapable presence of technology that dominates our lives. What had promised to bring people closer together only serves as an excuse to further separate. Distracted endlessly by my iPhone, I find myself spending more time on it than I do with my family. This transition happened so frighteningly seamlessly, and I had not even noticed this until I'd undergone some serious reflection. I felt in a position of gross entitlement. They were my parents after all; they didn't deserve the way I had been treating them. I always thought they had been present only in the backdrop of my life. Only now in this period of self-reflection, had I begun to understand that they were not merely the backdrop, but rather the foundation itself.
As I'd gone away for college for the past four months, I have come to realize exactly how much I depended on them. They helped give my life direction and endowed me with great purpose. My father inspired me to take up Computer Engineering as a profession, and I've found a place in the world because of him. My mother taught me how to cook an immense variety of dishes, and I can thank her for teaching me to take care of myself. Whenever I had troubles with friends, personal problems, and teachers, my parents would crack the much needed joke or provide essential moral support. Through trouble and strife, my parents have shown unwavering dedication to my well-being, and it astounds me how I could possibly have taken them for granted.
I unfortunately did not perform splendidly in high school, regardless of the constant motivation from my parents. I'd taken their love for granted, but now I see this as my opportunity to repay them. I want to work hard and become a phenomenal computer engineer my father can proudly say is his son. I want to make a significant impact in the world so I can make me, my parents, and the people around me happy. The environment fostered at University of Texas at Austin will allow me to work to the best of my abilities and make sure I am successful in the future, so I can make my mark on the world.
I like this theme and you show lots of creative talents in writing :)
just like the act of breathing, the presence of my parents has slowly lost definition
very impressive.... I like the way you have presented it :)
Okkkkkkkkkk.... here, you need to talk about an issue of importance. This is a fine issue that young kids nowadays do get addicted to devises and avoid human interaction. Your relationship with your parents is a fine example for this issue. However, you build this answer to a level that you talk about an ethical dilemma, which is not the appropriate answer for this prompt. Stop at the issue level and generalize it and then talk about its importance to you. Change the tone slightly. I guess you can get help from the following link;
://collegeapps.about.com/od/essays/tp/personal-essay-option-two.h tm
Hope this would be helpful... Anyways, you have great writing skills :)
