This is my application essay to Rutgers. I have to submit it tomorrow, so I'm looking to make some revisions first. I couldn't think of any talents or cultural things...and I have no leadership experience or anything of that good stuff...so just kind of BSed my way through it.
What I really need to know is if it sounds good or if it sounds BSed, if any sentences should be changed, and grammatical errors (especially commas, I normally overuse them, so by trying not to I may have used to few).
Thanks.
Prompt:
Rutgers University is a vibrant community of people with a wide variety of backgrounds and experiences. How would you benefit from and contribute to such an environment? Consider variables such as your talents, travels, leadership activities, volunteer services, and cultural experiences.
Essay:
I would like to say that I have learned a lot throughout the journey of my life; however, I am fully aware that there are countless lessons that I have yet to be exposed to. I am confident that the eccentric community at Rutgers will be able to place me in unique situations and provide new experiences that will allow me to discover more about myself than ever before. I also hope to be able to share my experiences with the many students of Rutgers, who might too share theirs with me. By sharing our different experiences with each other, I hope to be able to maximize our knowledge and growth as individuals.
I never had the chance to do much outside of school when I was younger. This was mainly because when I had first moved to New Jersey the people in my new middle school had labeled me as "that new weird kid," and they never gave me a chance to prove them otherwise. Luckily for me, I was given a glorious second chance in high school. The high school consisted of four different middle schools, which meant I had the chance to make an impression on the three in four people who had never met me. I would say this transition to a larger school was the most beneficial thing that ever happened to me, and I know attending Rutgers will have the same effect on a grander scale. By placing me in a diverse environment with many new people, I hope Rutgers will allow me to learn even more about myself, while at the same time helping others to learn about themselves as well.
Unfortunately, my high school did have one major disadvantage: its lack of diversity. Almost everyone I have known has been from a middle-class, white, Catholic family. I have seen other cultures through my travels, but I always come back home to my community. I do not know what it is like to live with someone of a different ethnicity or religious views. This lack of a diversity is of course one of the main reasons I have always striven to attend Rutgers University. I am certain that by being a part of such a diverse community at Rutgers, I will be able to learn about many cultures unlike my own, and also share my experiences with others about what it is like to live in such a non-diverse area.
My parents brought me and by siblings all over the country-even to different countries. Perhaps they were subconsciously trying to compensate for the lack of diversity in our community by exposing us to different cultures in different regions. I have been to the South, the Southwest, the Midwest, the West, all over the United States. Every time I travel somewhere, it amazes me how different each place can be. Every place has its own culture and way of life. I hope that Rutgers will allow me to show other students my way of life as well as let me understand theirs as well.
When I visited Rutgers I felt a part of every culture I have been exposed to. Everyone on the campus was so friendly that it took me three times longer to get to where I was trying to go, because I kept stopping to talk with people on the way. Ever since then, I have desperately wanted to be a part of that community, even after I graduate. Rutgers presents endless opportunities for me, and I look forward to pursuing my degree at Rutgers, should I be accepted.
I also hope to be able to share my experiences with the many students of Rutgers, who might too share theirs with me. By sharing our different experiences with each other, I hope to be able to maximize our knowledge and growth as individuals.
This is well written, and it definitely demonstrates your ability to think and write clearly. However, this part quoted above has no real meaning... it is just a general idea about sharing experiences. The essay should focus mainly on a specific theme that the reader can associate with you.. a theme to help them know you.
Almost everyone I have known has been from a middle-class, white, Catholic family. ---Now this becomes very specific right here. It becomes interesting, because the idea of lots of Catholic, middle class people in N. Jersey really makes people's minds start working.. the reader gets to participate in the essay when you introduce a concept like this.
Okay, bottom line: The theme is not clear enough, but I think this will be well received. In general, I think this one is a success. Sorry I did not get to read it before it was due. :-)
