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Priceless Memories - Pomona Supplement Essay


insanesoul81994 10 / 30  
Dec 27, 2011   #1
Could I get advice/suggestions about this essay? Also, I'm not sure if the admissions officers will understand the change in present tense to past, then present again. Should I leave that part out?

Prompt: Although it may appear to the contrary, we do know that people have a life beyond what they do to get into college. Tell us about an experience you've had outside of your formal classroom and extracurricular activities that was just plain fun and why.

I walk upstairs into my bedroom and sat down at my desk. From one of the shelves I pull out a thin sheet of paper and began to fold it. Starting from one corner, I fold it downward, then again, so that one corner of the paper. As I work on the old the paper, memories from my childhood flood into my mind.

When we were young, my cousins and I spent a large amount of time together because we all lived so close to each other. Each day that we spent together we thought of a game or activity that we believed would be fun. From making forts and obstacle courses out of blankets and pillows to playing Jeopardy using paper and tape, my cousins and I engaged in countless activities that allowed us to express our energetic and creative personalities. It amazes me to realize that although the things we did seem very childish now, they enabled my us to build deep, lifelong bonds with one another.

Of the many activities my cousins and I engaged in, one of them involved us pretending to wage war against one another. After dividing ourselves into two teams, we hid in our respective bases making swords, clubs, shields, and other equipment out of the giant stack of scratch paper that my dad let us use. When we felt that both teams had been given a sufficient amount of time, we met in an open area and bashed each other on the arms and legs with our makeshift swords and spears. We were old enough to know our limits when attacking each other, but still too young to realize that what we were doing was considered immature. Through this activity, my cousins and I were able to express our creativity in the weapons we forged and prove which one of us was was the toughest through the bruises we endured.

Another activity my cousins and I use to play was hosting carnivals. We all thought of our own unique games and made booths for each game. Using fake money, we would walk to each others' booths and play that person's game. Whoever ended up with the most money determined which games were the most entertaining to play and which person was the most creative. At first the games started off simple, such as a ring toss using plastic bottles and rings made out of paper. Yet as we began to see what attracted others best, we developed more intricate games like skee ball using the stairs, blankets, and a softball. Making the games was fun, but sharing ideas and enjoyable moments with one another was much more meaningful.

Although my cousins and I are older and more mature now, we still share the same relationship with each other that we shared in the past. Whenever we play a board game or simply sit down and talk with one another, we still experience the same emotions that we experienced with each other in the past. Through my relationship with my cousins, I have learned that the bond I share with other people is more valuable than the activities themselves.

My hand moves over and pulls the outer flap of the paper in towards the middle as I finish what I have been making. I smile and gaze at the paper dagger I made. Although I know I would not be using it, I leave it on my desk as a reminder of all the enjoyable memories and the priceless bond that my cousins and I share.
postscript94 5 / 14  
Dec 27, 2011   #2
this is was a really creative essay I like that you have a story within a story and you should definitely keep it

Although my cousins and I are older and more mature now, we still share the same relationship with each other that we shared in the past. Whenever we play a board game or simply sit down and talk with one another, we still experience the same emotions that we experienced with each other in the past. Through my relationship with my cousins, I have learned that the bond I share with other people is more valuable than the activities themselves.

where it says "emotions"maybe you should specify what you felt when hanging out with them rather than just say emotions...it makes it a little more personal

Whoever ended up with the most money determined which games were the most entertaining to play and which person was the most creative.

you seem to have a lot of emphasis on creativity in our essay however I don't think you need to out rightly mention it I think your emphasis on creativity would more more effective if it were not so obvious its better to show than tell and I think you gave enough examples to show creativity that you shouldn't have to write it out

good luck!

I'd really appreciate it if you could look over my engineering essay as well
OP insanesoul81994 10 / 30  
Dec 27, 2011   #3
Thanks for the advice postscript! I will definitely take a look at your essay. I made a few changes to my essay so if anyone else can take a look at it and give me some advice on it then that would be great!
Citygirl1120 4 / 8  
Dec 27, 2011   #4
i think it's great how you started and ended the essay, it's very creative. overall, i think you've answered everything the prompt asks for and and expanded thoroughly on your ideas. it's very well written!

mind taking a look at my other essays?
deremifri 9 / 137  
Dec 27, 2011   #5
The first paragraph uses several times past tense, throw this out.


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