hello, i really need help with this prompt. i just need to know if it flows or if you see errors. please and thank you in advance
Pride and Parents
Vires is not a word that you hear about often, but these five letters mean a lot. Vires is seen as power, strength, and influence which are gained through morals. Growing up there was always hardship and times where everything wasn't great for me like when my father pasted away when I was young. But through all this, I was able to gain the strength to put my foot down and walk with my head held high. Furthermore, I was born with loving parents that have put forth every effort to make sure that I have reached my goals in every perspective and have conquered the worst. But the greatest gift that they have passed on to me is morals. They have told me many times that, "a person's moral worth is not measured by what his religious belief are but rather by what emotional impulses they have received from Nature during his life time." Hearing this all the time has engrained in me tolerance, pride, and being able to distinguish from what is right or wrong. Because of my parents, I don't have to question myself, question my decision and judgments, and most importantly question others. Furthermore, physical strength has played a huge role in my life from working hard in school and doing pro dancing at evening classes. Dancing ballet, lyrical and jazz is not something easy because you need technique and emotion, which I have mastered throughout my thirteen years of dancing. I have established a physical strength where waking up at three o'clock, just to study for an AP class has become nothing, injuries left and right from dancing has made me stronger in my double axels and where having the strength to say "I am Melissa Elizabeth Fils" with such dignity and pride, has made me a better person physically and mentally. In addition, my morals and intellectual strength, has brought me great deeds and influence through my life time of school. Without intellectual strength I would not have been such an excellent influence for my siblings, peers, and community. Morals and intellectual strengths have given me an identity that will benefit me today, tomorrow, and in the future.You focus on Vires, however I feel you can somehow incorporate all three latin words into your essay. Artes fits with your emotions expressed in the art of dance and all the practice and hardships you endured to achieve your level of skill, and Mores goes with your developed strong character by your ability to now proudly say "I am Melissa Elizabeth Fils"
Also I think you should somehow connect yourself with FSU. Maybe explain your connection, since you both live with all these 3 values
Good luck! :)
I think you should make two paragraphs one for Vires/ mores and another for Artes. Also you used contractions and should try to avoid that in an informal essay. It is a great essay with lots of information.
Growing up there was always hardship especially since my father pasted away when I was young; none-the-less, I was able to gain the strength to put my foot down and walk with my head held high.
You used furthermore several times. I think the sentence sound clearer this way.
I was fortunate to have been born with loving parents that have encouraged me to reach all my goals.
Do not start the sentence with but.
The greatest gift that they have passed on to me is morals.
Again I feel this sounds clearer.
Hearing this all the time has engrained in me tolerance, pride, and the ability to distinguish right from wrong.
This sentence is a run on.
This may help. You could problably come up with a better sentence than mine.
throughout my thirteen years of dancing. I have established a physical strength; therefore, where waking up at three o'clock, just to study for an AP class has become nothing. Likewise, injuries from from dancing has made me stronger in my double axels and have given me the strength to say "I am Melissa Elizabeth Fils" with such dignity and pride and have made me a better person physically and mentally.
This is the first essay I have criticed and I hope I helped.
