This is my supplement essay for princeton/yale. Any constructive criticism would be greatly appreciated.
It is currently at 576 words so any suggestions to get it down to 500 would be amazing.
Thanks :)
Using a favorite quotation from an essay or book you have read in the last three years as a jumping off point, tell us about an event or experience that helped you define one of your values or changed how you approach the world. Please write the quotation at the beginning of your essay.
"Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it?-every, every minute?" - Thornton Wilder's play Our Town
My mind was blissfully replaying moments from last night's homecoming dance when my mom called me into her bedroom, stating that she needed to talk to me. I did not think much of it at the time. Maybe she wanted an opinion on a new dress or had an idea for my sixteenth birthday party. The conversation had better be quick because I had a huge AP world history test the next morning and needed to study. When I walked into her room and hopped onto the bed I realized my mother and father were waiting for me. We usually did not have family meetings to discuss our wardrobes. I looked from my mom to my dad and back again only to discover the identical expression of apprehension on their faces.
The next fifteen minutes blurred together; a mixture of disbelief, panic, and utter fear. All I remember is that once my mom said the word 'cancer' my world spiraled into darkness. When my parents calmed me down enough to stop crying, I escaped to my room to let this horrifying fact sink in. My chef, my chauffer, my motivational speaker, my shopping companion, my best friend, my mommy could not have cancer, could not die! I attempted to picture my life without my mother in it, but simply could not grasp what that would entail. While I had been worrying about my history test and reminiscing about a trivial dance, I had not appreciated what stood in front of me, and now, who knew how much time I had left with my mom?
I was frightened, but at that moment something inside me snapped. I would treasure the remaining time I had with my mom, whether that meant six weeks or six decades, I would value her presence while I had her. As Thornton Wilder mused in his play Our Town, "Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it?-every, every minute?" No, we usually do not. We are so distracted by long-term goals and daily routines that we fail to realize the beauty of customary things. I did not want to miss anything else, and from that moment on I tried to see everything in a different light. I would savor, not just eat dinner that night. I would delight in the appearance of my friends at school the next day instead of merely saying hello. I would really look at my mom, not just point my eyes in her general direction, but gaze at her wonderful countenance and appreciate her friendly personality. I can not say I always succeed at seeing things in a positive light; it is a bit hard to embrace the steam rising from your car as it breaks down, but I try.
Though my mother fully recovered from her cancer, I learned a priceless lesson. Life is transient and we only get to live it once. I need to cherish every second with the people I love and seize every day. Each moment is as valuable as the next; if I make it, next Tuesday can be just as beautiful as my wedding day. Life is ephemeral, yet gorgeous.
Do you really want to refer to your own mother as a maid? It kind of degrades the concept, makes her seem less special to you. I wouldn't use that word..
And, for God's sake, do you also want to compare her to a car breaking down?
Otherwise, well written and very heartbreaking. My younger sister also is battling cancer; she was diagnosed three times and she's only fifteen. My condolences. Touching essay, but work on some of the semantics.
Thank you so much for your comments.
My mom often refers to herself as a maid as a joke, but out of context I now can see how it could be demeaning.
I was not trying to compare her to a car, merely showing that it is a bit hard to enjoy frustrating events. Thank you for pointing out that my meaning was unclear.
I am so sorry for your sister and I truly hope she recovers. My condolences.
I would still greatly appreciate constructive criticism from anyone else!
i think it is good...especially after you have made some corrections...Good luck!
My mind was blissfully replaying moments from last night's One thing confused me. You say last night, and then it seems as if you jump in the future when you say "though she recovered" at the end. homecoming dance when my mom called me into her bedroom, stating that she needed to talk to me. I did not think much of it at the time:M aybe she wanted an opinion on a new dress or had an idea for my sixteenth birthday party. The next sentence is slightly awkward, you could say, I resigned myself to getting off my bed and studying to trudging down the hall to my parents' room. or something... The conversation had better be quick because I had a huge AP world history test the next morning and needed to study.
I think it's really good, just a few suggestions.
Look at mine?
Hey, I like your ending :)
By the way, is it AP World History with capitalizations?
^ it is capitalized.
