Hi guys this is part of my princeton supplement, which is due in in two days! just wondering if people could give me some feed back on content, grammar, spellings etc. thanks!
Tell us about a person who has influenced you in a significant way.
Structure - Who? Why? What/ How?
There have been many people who have had significant influences on my life: people old and young; close-friends and strangers; people I dislike and people I love. Almost every person I have come across has had some influence on me in some way or another. I am who I am today because of the relationships I share with the people around me. One person who I feel really has made a major impact on my life, is my best friend, Pager. I see him as being a kind of savior of mine. He has saved me from becoming a depressing person who can't help but work themselves into the ground.
I remember when I met Pager four and a half years ago on my first day of boarding-school. We were both thirteen and were stood around in a circle with the rest of the boys whom we would be living with for the next five years. From that moment I knew Pager and I were going to be close friends. He had such a radiant and friendly persona, which seemed to ease everyone's nerves of starting boarding-school for the first time. It's this bubbly, confident and pleasantly sociable nature of his, which has had such a striking influence on me. Just like on that very first day I met him, he has always had the ability to calm the forever-built-up stress and nerves I acquire during the busy school term. It is in this way, that I see him being my savior - perhaps saving me from working myself to mental breakdown! In emulating his easygoing nature I have been able to flourish at high school.
I have now known Pager for four and a half years, and he has undoubtedly been my closest friend ever. We have lived with one another in the same boarding house since we first met, and have shared a deep passion for rowing, which has formed the bases of our friendship. He is the person who I feel knows me best outside of my family, (although I have long considered him as an actually brother to me!) He has had an influence on me solely because we are so close. Our fraternal relationship has meant I haven't failed to notice his approach to life - something I admire greatly. His light-heartedness and friendly nature has shown me that in order to enjoy school life, I need to relax from time to time, and see the fun side in what I do, opposed to getting depressed with every struggle I face.
Pager has defiantly made me a happier person, and has made my high school career extremely enjoyable. He has changed me forever; I am always ready to seek as much enjoyment as possible in whatever activity I do.
I did not see exactly how Pager has inspired or influenced you. Many of your ideas were repeated in different words. Use specific examples on how Pager has changed your life. The AC will not care if your best friend's happy attitude kept you happy; they want to know how he has changed you or your outlook on life.
Subjective comments:
The main theme of your essay seems to be about how Pager has taught you to relax more instead of stressing out. I think you should make this more apparent, not just say 'Pager made me happier blah blah' etc, but SHOW it. I read your essay and I see many statements declaring how nice and easygoing Pager is, and other statements declaring that you became more like him, but I never really get to truly understand your change since you lack the SHOW part. You might want to use anecdotes of specific situations where you were stressed out but Pager helped you relax or something, but whatever you do, SHOW the change and influence, not just simply stating it.
Overall, I like the tone and voice, its relaxed and light to me, which is a plus I think since your whole essay is about how you learned to let loose.
You start off with alot of wordiness and things that are irrelavant. Of course everybody has people that have influenced them in their lives. You need to get to the point of who has influenced you in your life. That is the concentration of the essay. Also making a list of the people that can influence you in your life is also not needed. I am also a little confused on how Pager actually has influenced you. give more examples and experiences that shows that.
