I chose the following essay option:
Option 4 - Using a favorite quotation from an essay or book you have read in the last three years as a jumping off point, tell us about an event or experience that helped you define one of your values or changed how you approach the world. Please write the quotation at the beginning of your essay.
Could someone especially look at the grammatical correctness of the dialogue. I not really familiar with it. Also, does anyone think that the last sentence is inappropriate?
Thanks!!!
"The profound thinker always suspects that he is superficial."
Benjamin Disraeli ( 1804-1881) Contarini Fleming
The first thing I noticed when I got out of the blue minivan was the heat. It's really easy to forget about July after sitting in a car with the A/C jacked up to the max. I turned back to my dad and waved goodbye. He nodded and pulled the car out of the McDonald's parking lot. As he left, I glanced at my velcro wristwatch. Five minutes early I thought as I stood under the gleaming double arches. I was hesitant about entering the bustling restaurant and for a minute I loitered until I realized how sweaty I was getting underneath my dress shirt and khakis. Finally, I pushed open the door and entered. It was much cooler inside, but it was also busy with the lunch rush. People were entering and leaving at an alarming rate and carefree children laughed wildly as they ran around the play area. The line for the register was longer than I had expected so I hurried to get a spot. When I finally got to the register, I was greeted by a girl around my age.
"Hi, can I help you?" she asked with a genuine smile.
"Yeah, I'm here for an interview." I replied clumsily.
"Oh! Alright, please wait over there and someone will be with you shortly." she said, pointing at a corner of the restaurant where one of the only unoccupied tables was.
I hurried to the table, sat down and began to wait. I suddenly regretted my choice of seating. From where I was positioned, I could see almost the entire restaurant, but at the same time the entire restaurant could see me and that's how I felt as I searched for something to stare at to avoid awkwardly making eye contact with a stranger. Nervousness began to bubble in my mind as the first couple minutes passed. I began to check and recheck my head, searching for stray tufts of hair. I realized with horror that I had forgotten to shave two weeks worth of facial hair even though I had promised myself I would for the interview.
Ten minutes later, the crowds that had been swarming the counter began to thin and one of the employees approached my table. I stood up quickly, introduced myself and shook her hand. She sat down across from me and began to ask me questions about my interests, goals, the reasons I wanted a job. As I explained to her my desire to study biology and chemistry, my love for playing the viola, and my search for job experience, she listened with sincere curiosity. My nerves began to calm, my heart rate returned to normal and I began to feel comfortable with myself, no longer worrying about whether people were staring or judging me from the outside. I left the interview that day knowing that people were much more concerned about my personality and character over small details of personal appearance. Though that's not to say I didn't shave as soon as I got home!
I liked it too, and could find no errors. The last sentence was fine!
Actually, though, you could do this:
However, that is not to say I did not shave as soon as I got home!
This might be a little better, because although "though" can be used like "although," I think it is better not to start a sentence with it. But that might not be a real rule...
:)
Kevin
