As in the archetype of a hero's journey, many accomplished individuals' lives are shaped by a mentor. Without that mentor to get him going, the hero might not become who he is destined to be. As an inexperienced and ignorant child, I have traveled down a path that led only to selfishness and self-centeredness. Through observation of my peers, I noticed that backbiting and derision flowed off tongues and backstabbing was not uncommon. I felt that I could trust no one; however, when I got to high school, I met a person that changed my perspective of the world. A math teacher, a counselor, and a mentor to all of his students, Mr. Mehmet Yuksel has influenced my life towards a brighter and better future.
Competition opens doors to great advancements but for me it was a destructive habit that led to my alienation from my friends at school. Like in middle school, I kept to my, "I will be the best," motto and when my friends noticed it, I was the target for hostility. They saw me just as I had seen them which made me think I had finally been absorbed into this horrible culture.
Then, fortuitously, I landed in a boarding school in the middle of nowhere, CT, formally known as Putnam. At first I expressed enthusiasm, hoping that this new environment would be different than my last. It was; it truly was. The problem was that I had not changed, and I desperately needed to. I started to feel the isolation in my new school too which was even worse at my new school because we lived together. I needed help changing my personality from selfish to nonchalant. Then maybe I could ease into selflessness.
When I started to try not to care who was the best or the greatest, I had a lot of difficulties. I didn't think it was possible to totally change myself. I sought help from Mr. Mehmet Yuksel, my counselor, to whom I thought I had formed a close enough bond to share these problems. His dedication to help me showed me how little I was trying and how much I needed to.
He had one-on-one talks with me about my problem and gave me invaluable tips on how to be indifferent of my status among people, which he claimed would make me among the loved within my peers. I felt obliged to try.
Eventually, I found myself very active in our school community with friends and teachers. Everyone admired my hard work especially when it was accompanied by indifference, unlike before. As I got closer to my classmates and the other students, I started to share my knowledge and I was helping them with their work.
I went from selfish to supportive within a matter of months. The transition felt a lot easier when I felt the warmth of the community I was in. I started to tutor my friends and gave help to all that asked for it, and before I knew it, I was the person I had always wanted to be. I cannot forget who helped me the most in this transformation, Mr. Mehmet Yuksel. The epitome of what I wanted to be, an altruistic teacher and friend to all.
-I know it seems I delineated from the question, but I felt that a new approach to the question was necessary. The fact that my mentor made me who I am explains that he was the cause of all of this good, I was just the effect in action. I hope those Princeton boys and girls think deep enough to see that. Merci beaucoup to all in advance:)
The essay tells about a change, rather than showing a change. Also, the change itself isn't necessarily a good one. You say you had become selfish and competitive, but all you tell us to illustrate the point is that you wanted to be the best at what you did, hardly a a negative trait. Then, you say you became more selfless by not caring about the results of your actions, hardly a positive trait. I think maybe what you meant to say was that you initially wanted to be the best at everything so that you could look down on those around you, but that you eventually learned to do your best for its own sake. At any rate, if you want readers to view the change positively, you'll have to revise what you have along those sorts of lines.
As for Yuksel, his importance is limited to one sentence in the entire essay: "He had one-on-one talks with me about my problem and gave me invaluable tips on how to be indifferent of my status among people, which he claimed would make me among the loved within my peers." Given that he was a counselor, his actions hardly make him a heroic mentor -- he did exactly what he was supposed to do. And since you don't describe him, or tell us what advice he specifically gave you, or what follow up he did, it is not clear why you say that the essay will be about his influence on you. Really, you could cut him from the story completely and have a stronger essay. This is a problem is that the essay is supposed to be about him, so you will probably have to go back to the drawing board to get a good essay. Maybe you could start the essay with something wise that Yuksel said to you, and then talk about how that profound piece of advice allowed you to change your attitude? Just a thought.
