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Princeton Supplemental Essay: Transforming Stones into Diamonds


hiddenoasis 1 / 7  
Dec 15, 2009   #1
This essay is a bit lengthy, but I would be very grateful if anyone could read it over and give me some input as to whether it is engaging and informative. I had a lot to say, and I tend to be wordy, but I'm hoping it conveys who I am.

Prompt: Using the quotation below as a jumping off point, tell us about an event or experience that helped you define one of your values or changed how you approach the world:

''Some questions cannot be answered./ They become familiar weights in the hand,/ Round stones pulled from the pocket, unyielding and cool.''

-Jane Hirshfield, poet, Princeton Class of 1973

A Pocket Full of Stones and Diamonds

"When I'm THIS EXCITED, my vein usually POPS OUT! Can you see it!?" I most certainly could; it was impossible to miss. The man pacing the lecture hall had a protruding, blue-pulsing vein on his forehead as beads of sweat trickled down his jaw line. He was impossible to take seriously, but he was equally as difficult to ignore. Two hundred high school sophomores, each in a green t-shirt with "Michigan Youth Leadership Conference" printed boldly across the chest, stared attentively at the ball of energy before them, and every ear was tuned into the story he was sharing.

Two men are beginning a voyage into the desert when a sage confronts them and tells them that if they collect stones, some will transform into diamonds. At first, the men were excited, and they picked up stone after stone until their backpacks were full. However, after only a few days with such a burden, the first man dumped the lackluster stones onto the dry sand. In contrast, the second man persevered in hopes of seeing diamonds. A few weeks later, in accordance with the sage's wise words, he opened his bag to find it full of sparkling jewels.

At any other time, I may have regarded this story as nothing more than a catchy tale with a cheesy inspirational message. Instead, I felt my cheeks warm and my insides tingle-an unmistakable conviction that penetrated my mind, sank into my heart, and seared my vision, forever changing the way I approached the world. The speaker was urging the sea of green shirts not to go through life as the first man did. It was not this advice that changed me; I've always been that second man. I ask hard questions and test what I learn, but before this revelation, I would only pick up enough stones to fill my bag. If one really anticipated that even a few of those stones might become diamonds, wouldn't he fill his bag, his pockets, and carry armsful as well? Each time he passed an intriguing stone, wouldn't he add it to his collection by any means necessary?

At this point, I was nearing the end of my tenth grade Bible course on apologetics. The class emphasized defending one's beliefs by attempting to find answers to faith-shaking questions. At the start of the year, I was hesitant to pick up stones, questions, and drop them in my pocket. I almost looked down on the people who eagerly picked up these stones, thinking that they lacked faith because of the questions they were holding. It was a mindset of conformity and ignorance. In retrospect, I was the one who lacked faith. Some part of me didn't believe that those stones would ever become diamonds; that there were actually answers to defend Christ. However, as I realized that many of my stones had transformed, I began collecting more than anyone. I immersed myself in books and research so that I could defend why I believe what I do, even if just for myself. While many of these questions stubbornly refuse to resolve, I will continue to carry them and struggle under their weight with hope for an eventual transformation.

My search for stones is not limited to spiritual matters. I am wired to think logically; I am compelled to find the answers myself. Instead of memorizing calculus formulas, I read how they were derived. For AP Physics, I built circuits in my basement to truly understand electricity. After studying sleep-deprivation in my psychology class, I kept a two-week log of my energy level and ability to concentrate after varying amounts of sleep. My success in school is deeply rooted in the joy I feel when some of the many stones I've collected become diamonds-concepts learned or theories proven.

I sincerely believe that every great thinker has this in common-the capacity to carry a great burden of stones, even if none becomes diamonds. Persistence, passion, and innovation are what allowed Da Vinci, Aristotle, and Einstein to make so many discoveries. While they are credited for having more diamonds than most, they also suffered under the weight of more stones than most because "Some questions cannot be answered./ They become familiar weights in the hand,/ Round stones pulled from the pocket, unyielding and cool" (Hirshfield). No matter how my unyielding stones may weigh me down, the prospect of a shining jewel drives me to keep collecting stone after stone. After hearing the story of the men in the desert, I see that, even with the risk that it may never become more than a mere stone, every question is worth asking and every fact worth challenging because I do not know which of these dull weights will transform into a unique diamond, beautiful and priceless.
OP hiddenoasis 1 / 7  
Dec 15, 2009   #2
please, can someone read over this. i don't even need grammatical advice; i'm just curious as to the content: is it interesting? do you learn about me? is it well-written?
keilinger 9 / 53  
Dec 15, 2009   #3
It's extremely well-written, one of the best I've read on this site. It would have been easy to write a cliched essay about loving to learn, but you've done a good job of sending the message in such a way that it rings true. I'm just a little uncertain about how the quote at the beginning ties in with anything. Anyhow, great job!

You're clearly an amazing writer with great style, and I'd greatly esteem your opinion.. Would you mind reading some of the essays I've posted here? I'm been having trouble with the Common App essay (written two, don't know which one to choose), so any help would be appreciated!
thcays 1 / 4  
Dec 16, 2009   #4
Hi Katie, this is a super well-written essay, and it beyond my ability to give any judge.
However, I should pop out a suggestion anyway.

Instead of memorizing calculus formulas, I read how they were derived. For AP Physics, I built circuits in my basement to truly understand electricity. After studying sleep-deprivation in my psychology class, I kept a two-week log of my energy level and ability to concentrate after varying amounts of sleep. My success in school is deeply rooted in the joy I feel when some of the many stones I've collected become diamonds-concepts learned or theories proven.

It seems to me that this paragraph was not accord with the theme. Since you like to keep picking up stones, I think you might need you put these words in another way, and answer why you want to do all of these in order to parallel with the one you mentioned in the spiritual matter paragraph.

Again, I might be wrong.
Good luck with that.
Monkey66 - / 9  
Dec 16, 2009   #5
Pretty good essay. A little heavy on tell, with little show but you write well and I think it works. Your intellectual vitality really comes through. But

I sincerely believe that every great thinker has this in common-the capacity to carry a great burden of stones, even if none becomes diamonds. Persistence, passion, and innovation are what allowed Da Vinci, Aristotle, and Einstein to make so many discoveries. While they are credited for having more diamonds than most, they also suffered under the weight of more stones than most because "Some questions cannot be answered./ They become familiar weights in the hand,/ Round stones pulled from the pocket, unyielding and cool" (Hirshfield) .

Get rid of that quote. It's horribly awkward and completely disrupts the flow of your essay. Also, just pasting in the quote is pretty bad writing. Fix that and you should be good to go
OP hiddenoasis 1 / 7  
Dec 16, 2009   #6
Thank you all! I wasn't sure if I was expected to put the quote in the essay since it was part of the prompt. It is actually a relief that it doesn't need to be included because it doesn't flow very well. Thanks monkey66!

Will colleges, in this case Princeton, be put off by mentoning spiritual beliefs? I know they say they promote diversity, but could the reader be disinterested in this essay due to my relationship with Christ being a prominent part? Just curious.

Thanks again all!
Katsch 4 / 63  
Dec 16, 2009   #7
I'm actually a little confused by the motivational speaker's story.

The speaker was urging the sea of green shirts not to go through life as the first man did.

It seems the point of the story is that you should persevere and not give up, but the way the men are picking up the stones driven by only desires of greed, the diamonds, is probably not the message the story was supposed to convey.

Could you perhaps summarize what the story's moral was? I know you included the tale because you wanted to make that connection between the stones, but is there any greater connection between "if you pick up stones, good things will happen"? Your stones are questions, a search for knowledge, but the story's stones are not quite that.

Also, I think writing about your faith is fine, but again, I'm a little confused.

Some part of me didn't believe that those stones would ever become diamonds; that there were actually answers to defend Christ.

Other people are afraid to ask questions about their faith, but you asked questions so... you can defend your faith? Are you trying to find answers to defend Christ, and is finding answers turning the stones into diamonds? This sentence makes it seem like the stones won't be diamonds because there are answers in religion.

I like your style of writing, and I think this essay is well-written as well, but I think it is your flow of thoughts that has me more confused.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Dec 17, 2009   #8
This essay has a great start... way to hypnotize the reader! In your final draft, you should probably use italics instead of CAPS if possible... unless, you know, this is an online application or whatever.

Now right here is there you need some reinforcement of the theme:
Two hundred high school sophomores, each in a green t-shirt with "Michigan Youth Leadership Conference" printed boldly across the chest, stared attentively at the ball of energy before them, and every ear was tuned into the story he was sharing.----> Now that you have told me about the vein popping out and about the Youth Leadership Conference... now you have to tell me what the real deal is with this essay. What is the theme, the subject I am reading about?

In order to introduce the main idea (in between the t-shirt description and the parable about the sage), you need to be able to capture it in a single sentence. That is hard to do, because what you have to capture is the central truth about you as you are reflected in these paragraphs. Whatever it is, say it in a sentence! Good luck. :-)


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