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'to the principal's office' - UNC essay

omo5031 8 / 33  
Jan 5, 2012   #1
I just threw this together like 2hrs ago so I'm sure there's a lot of mistake but I will really appreciate if anyone can edit it for me right off.

Prompt: Tell us about a time when you failed. How did you react, if anything did you learn?"

"Sarah Jones, Mary Lou, Paul Hall...to the principal's office". My sixth grade teacher called. I joined the line taking of my jacket as instructed, walking briskly to the principal's office with a filling of joy in me. About to take my last step, I felt a tap on my shoulder. I looked back, it was my teacher. She said to me "I'm sorry honey, I didn't call you; you are not a part of this group. I know you tried so hard but you didn't come through as confident enough" The words I heard were "I'm sorry stupid, your life is in ruins and you caused it"

I walked back to my class with my head held low. I couldn't cry, I couldn't laugh, I was dumbfounded. I couldn't believe I didn't make the principal's list. I sank in pain and disappointment; I felt my world falling apart. I had failed yet I tried so hard.

Losing is a part of my life, and I have dealt with the emotional baggage that travels through shotgun on more than one occasion. However, it was an indescribably underwhelming feeling not to make it after trying so hard. I went home that day scared that I was going to end up a failure. I swore to myself that I was never going to attempt anymore.

I threw myself on the bed and tossed around for hours. I began digging through my heart and I remembered the nursery book "The little engine that could". I pictured the little blue engine chugging through and I said aloud to myself, "Obstacles get in the way and your "I think I can" may get weaker. This is the time to persevere. Push yourself into action. Never give up. Like the little engine, keep on chugging." The little engine made it just because he believed in himself. I also knew I could make it, just by reflecting on my mistakes and correcting them.

After I got to school the next day, I told my teacher "I feel much better and ready to try again". Surprised by the huge turn around she smiled. After not making the list that day, I really wanted to try harder again. I just needed to work on my confidence.

I practiced on my confidence skills for the following year, and while I didn't make the list, my reaction was different. This time I didn't say I wasn't going to try again I just taught of my little blue. He was the epitome of persistence and that was what mattered most in life.

While it was really unfulfilling to fail twice, I had learnt a greater lesson through the experience. Never mind the fame and prize money-I had learned an ultimate lesson and that was the greatest prize.
jadore_lamode68 6 / 37  
Jan 5, 2012   #2
I absolutely LOVE THIS! Its so heart warming and your vocabulary is very personal. But be care not to fall into the stand-back-up-again cliche, there are a few moments when your essay boarders on that. I like how you left out exactly what was the reward for going to the principle's office.

Nice job.
Could you take a look at mine please?
ekreal 6 / 35  
Jan 5, 2012   #3
In the third last sentence you wrote taught in stead of thought and in second last it is I had learned.. Otherwise great essay! :) But what was it you were trying to reach?? What did it mean to get into the principals office??

Could you quickly take a look at mine, I need some help spicying my essay up! Thanks!
OP omo5031 8 / 33  
Jan 5, 2012   #4
Thank you so much guys will check you essays ASAP.
mylo_zyloto 3 / 9  
Jan 5, 2012   #5
Grammatically, the only mistake that stood out to me was putting periods after quotations. Periods always go on the inside of quotations in the US. "But be care not to fall into the stand-back-up-again cliche, there are a few moments when your essay boarders on that." I second this. The speech to yourself comes really close to cliche territory. I think you could improve it just be rewriting it as a reflection of your thoughts instead of as something you say aloud. Other than that, great essay!

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