PROMPT #1
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
The world I find myself in is an imperfect yet perfect world that has shaped what I aspire and dream to become, it is, in a sense, my little utopia of sorts. My family is well off, in monetary terms, but I speak more of knowledge. For my parents to be well off knowledge wise is truly something I consider a blessing as it never closes any doors, but only opens them for me. With this inherited knowledge comes power, and this power, whatever shape or form it may be perceived in, is what has fueled my desires.
My father was raised in poverty, never having enough morsels of food to go around for him and his siblings, and always wondering when and where his next meal would be. My mother was raised in a middle class family and although she had never gone without, she often went without the affection and love of her parents as often times, the love and affection would fall short when circulated around the other nine of her other brothers and sisters. My father embraced the ethic of hard work at a young age and after some time, left Korea to find work in Japan where he worked and dabbled in the travel agency business. He left Japan after a number of years and moved to Hawaii to fulfill his dreams of becoming a successful business owner. Through his ambitions and determination, my father has achieved his goal of becoming successful and creating his own little utopia with my mother who spends her days providing love and affection to her family.
My parents have definitely never denied me anything that I have needed and with their upbringing, have instilled in me the principles that make up my character today. Armed with my father's hard work ethic and determination and my mother's perpetual precious view of life, I believe that to become a physician is the most suitable profession for myself. My parents never fail to tell me: "never will the hard working man be trumped by the lazy man with talent" and that is one moral I plan to live by in striving towards my goal of wanting to sustain precious life.
word count: 369 on UC Application
PROMPT #2
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?
I had always been overweight for my age all through middle school and a majority of high school and only halfway during the summer vacation preceding my senior year did I decide that I had had enough of this unhealthy and unfulfilling lifestyle and I made the decision to lose weight.
Coming from a traditional Korean family and culture, it is somewhat undesirable to be overweight and thus, I felt ashamed coming before my extended family members quite often. Socially, I was never the guy that girls thought were "cute" or "handsome" among other adjectives, but rather I was just "the guy that listens well" or "the friend"; I was also never the "athlete" or the guy that could be depended on in anything of a physical challenge besides being the anchor in tug of war. I faced many challenges in weight loss but I soon discovered the key to a successful weight loss regimen, knowledge. I educated myself in various ways ranging from the content within the food I eat and recording it, to the types of exercises that would allow me see results. In the beginning of my ongoing journey, I was five feet eight inches tall, weighing in at two hundred and twenty pounds, and only seventeen years old. Over the span of six months which in retrospect, is a short period of time, I experimented, educated myself, remained diligent to my workouts and diets, and tried as best as I could to remain motivated. Now at the six-month's mark, I am five feet ten inches tall, and I now weigh in at one hundred and seventy six pounds. Exercising was my biggest challenge, but namely running. I began at a slow pace and everyday before I could notice results, I detested, hated, and loathed running. Immediately after consulting with my scale and mirror and seeing differences, I began to run everyday with a lighter heart, giddy with excitement at how much healthier I would look and feel at my next weigh in. In this instance, my ability to overcome one of my prevalent obstacles had frankly surprised me yet allowed me pride in my character.
This accomplishment genuinely instills pride in myself, at the mere fact that I know now in my heart, that I am able to truly describe myself with the adjective "determined" without any inhibitions. To know that I am able to set a goal and accomplish it, truly instills hope in myself that my character is what I recognize it to be. This weight loss experience is a testament to the person I am, an ambitious, motivated, determined, and passionate person who will not accept failure as even a mere viable option.
word count: 450 on UC application
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Total word count: 819 (should I add more?)
Thank You! :)
For prompt 1,
The world I find myself in is an imperfect yet perfect world that has shaped what I aspire and dream to become; it is, in a sense, my little utopia of sorts. My family is well off in monetary terms, but I am talking about knowledge. For my parents to be well off knowledge wise is truly something I consider a blessing, as it never closes any doors, but only opens them for me. With this inherited knowledge comes power, and this power, whatever shape or form it may be perceived in, is what has fueled my desires.
My father was raised in poverty; he never had enough morsels of food to go around for him and his siblings, and he always was wondering when and where his next meal would be. My mother was raised in a middle class family and although she had never gone without, she often went without the affection and love of her parents as often times, the love and affection would fall short when circulated around the other nine of her other brothers and sisters. My father embraced the ethic of hard work at a young age and after some time, left Korea to find work in Japan, where he worked and dabbled in the travel agency business. He left Japan after a number of years and moved to Hawaii to fulfill his dreams of becoming a successful business owner. Through his ambitions and determination, my father has achieved his goal of becoming successful and creating his own little utopia with my mother who spends her days providing love and affection to her family.
My parents have definitely never denied me anything that I have needed, and with their upbringing, they have instilled in me the principles that make up my character today. Armed with my father's hard work ethic and determination and my mother's perpetual precious view of life, I believe that to become a physician is the most suitable profession for myself. My parents never fail to tell me: "never will the hard working man be trumped by the lazy man with talent" and that is one moral I plan to live by in striving towards my goal of wanting to sustain precious life.
I've changed a couple of grammatical things as you can see above.
I think you could improve your essay if you can tell some kind of story to make it more exciting. Remember that college admissions people are reading essay after essay, so it's important to make your essay interesting.
Also, I would rewrite your first sentence. I'm not exactly sure what you mean to say.
Good luck!
