My priorities had always been related to owning luxuries, rather that excelling at my

PLEASE write some feedback to my common app essay (the so dreaded 500 words essay)if you like it, if you dislike it, if you think it sucks, just help me... I'll thank you for the rest of my life :)

prompt: evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.

Having been raised in a financially prosper economy, my priorities had always been related to owning luxuries, rather that excelling at my studies. I had never taken advantage of attending a school which provided me with resources I considered would prepare me for a successful future.

During my early teenage years I had been academically content with myself as long as I earned decent grades. My perspective of life drastically changed once my parents could no longer afford paying for my education; at a school I had attended ever since I was in kindergarten. Fright of the unknown took over me. Never before had I been placed in a new environment, where I was unaware of whom my peers were. Would I be able to make new friends? Would I have any common interest with my new classmates? Questions like these took over my mind and filled me with anxiety.

What I considered worsen my situation, was that I found myself having to attend a new school at the same time in which my father decided to immigrate in search of a job opportunity. Having to live through a situation that is out of one's control is a whirlwind of feelings in itself.

I was filled with uncertainty in regards to whether I would be able to succeed academically or socially. The primary challenge I was to face was that of getting accustomed to classes which were solely taught in Spanish. While having to relate with my classmates whose backgrounds differed greatly from mine; it was then that through my willingness to surpass this challenge I was able to discover several common interests we had, especially that of a great sense of humor.

During this transition I realized that even though I was no longer able to spend as much time with my past friends, I was still in a school, with grades that had to be achieved. Something I knew I could control; something I would do. What I desired the most at that moment was being able to express my gratitude towards my parents through the effort my grades represented.

Through this moment I got to acknowledge that, unknowingly, I had lived in a bubble that needed bursting. New self-made opportunities came with the years. My grades had never been better, and life itself gave me the opportunity to return to the school which had seen me grow. I knew that the person returning to this environment was no longer that same girl, whose happiness relied on owning the latest technological devices, or using expensive clothing.

When living in a country like mine, and having been privileged throughout my whole life, even when the majority isn't, the pleasantries life gave me used to seem not as meaningful. If it had not been for this early life lesson I'm sure that I would not be who I am today, a person with drive, purposes and motivation.

THANKSSSSSSSS FOR READING IT !!!

I have to go to sleep soon,.. BUt i wanted to help :)
I think you've got good ideas, but your phrasing of sentences are kind of awkward.
For example,


change financially proper economy to "well-to-do family" or sth like that.. and "excelling in my studies"


Worries became realities when my father immigrated (to where?) to look for possible job opportunities, and I had to moved to a new school (was it cheaper?)

it would be great it you could read over my essay as well

Yeah my awkward sentences are mainly related to the fact that English is not my first language..thanks for the help:)!!

First of all it's not grammatically right, it should be PROSPERING but the right word for this is Developing . So use the latter one.


Rephrase it. I know what you wanna mean with this sentence but I don't think I am getting from it what you have written.


[\So you are saying that you never took advantage of whatever resources there were at your school, but again at the same time you are saying that you CONSIDERED that would prepare you for a successful future. Both doesn't go along! Rephrase it!


at a school I had[/quote] you could change the word "Fright" to "Fear ". It sounds much better then.





Rephrase it.

In the last sentence if you could tell what is your drive, motivation and purpose to be...

You could also lengthen the experiences you had in the Spanish speaking school! I wanted to hear more.
Other than that everything's good :D

Thanks man I'll modify my essay and upload it later for more reviews :)

i agree with the previous comments. awkward sentences at times. i also think you should go deeper. i mean write about your feelings more after the change. they want to know who you are today, something that other parts of ur application dont really let them know about you.