I believe I have finished my essay, I am open to any, and all criticism and advice. Looking for any corrections in cohesiveness and as well as mechanics. I know the transition between the first body and second is a bit odd, I'd like any advice if known to help the transition.
thanks,
~Wuskin
For almost one hundred years, the Latin words, "Vires, Artes, Mores" have been the guiding philosophy behind Florida State University. Vires signifies strength of all kinds - moral, physical, and intellectual; Artes alludes to the beauty of intellectual pursuits as exemplified in skill, craft, or art; and Mores refers to character, custom, or tradition. Describe how one or more of the values embodied in these concepts are reflected in your life.
Throughout my life, I feel that I have best represented the ideals of Vires, the universal concept of strength. My strengths do not lie strictly in any one area, but in many. I pride myself in my physique, precocity, and position as a principled individual.
Amongst the ranks of my fellow classmates, I stand in line ready for the mile and a half run under the bright Florida sunshine. I can hear the anguish deluge from the slumping mass. As our coach blows the whistle to start, off I go. Left, right, left, right. I follow my preceding foot with each step in such a way that one might expect me to fall off some rigged cliff if I did otherwise. I finish the third of 6 laps; I am halfway there. I look up and notice the few original enthusiasts at a slow walking pace. I continue, spurred on by the lone determination of my own. Only one lap to go, but I find myself at a slow jog feeling shin splints. "Why stop now?" my conscious asks. With no good reason, I endure and push myself towards my limit to help further my physical prowess. Beyond the field, I continue to demonstrate Vires at its finest.
As a senior, I am privileged with several years of study under some of the worlds greatest minds, teachers. With this knowledge, I am able to comprehend ideas as esoteric as the relationship between the four kinematic equations to the most menial; such as the basic facets of everyday life. I commonly find myself in conversations with certain friends about specific words that we like and for what reason; a favorite of mine being the word "deprecate." I find a reasonable correlation between, but not limited to the courses I take and how well I do in them. To sum up last year, I was distinguished as an AP Scholar for successfully passing all three of my exams. At the top of my class, I have been considered for leadership positions based on my intellect. For example, I now lead the Technology Student Association chapter in my school as Vice President. Representing a figure of competence, I not only require being apt but also a sound sense of just.
Raised by a stoic father, I learned the harsh tenderness of tough love. Along with his lessons and the always enduring idea of unconditional forgiveness from my mother, I developed a self-determined perception of what is right and a belief to uphold it. With this in mind, I strive to establish myself as an honest individual. In an attempt to spread my good heartiness, I applied and became a referee for the "largest online destination for competitive gaming," also known as Gamebattles.com. As a referee, I impose the rules and regulations to help direct a better gaming environment for all participants.
Simply put, Vires spells out my daily ventures in a globally understood unity.
I pride myself in my physique, precocity, and position as a principled individual.
I'd tell you to cut the first paragraph entirely, but I like the alliteration too much.
I can hear the anguish deluge from the slumping mass.
It appears your essay had a run in with a rabid thesaurus. Focus more on writing grammatically correct sentences, and less on pumping up your writing with unnecessarily advanced diction.
You have three paragraphs, any one of which could be a good focus for this essay. The three do not tie together particularly well, though. So, either work on your transitions, or pick one and write a new essay around it.
Thanks for the comment, will consider it :]
As for the overuse of a thesaurus, I only used it to get deluge since I looking for a word that was short for "overflowing" or the idea of I suppose you could say "dripping of"
Seemed like the most practical to use.
Oh, and concerning the alliteration, it was completely coincidence. Glad you liked it though, lol.
EDIT:
Amongst the ranks of my fellow classmates, I stand in line ready for the mile and a half run under the bright Florida sunshine. The general consensus of the group could be described as less than pleased.
Think this is any better?
Submitting it tonight so unfortunately, there is no time to write a new essay :/
~Wuskin
