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Probably the first thing anyone thinks of when they see me is "Hey, that guy's an Asian!" UBC essay

AlpineBlade 1 / -  
Oct 14, 2018   #1

UBC Personal Profile Questions

Prompt: Tell us about yourself. How would your family, friends, and/or family members of your community describe you? If possible, please include something about yourself that you are most proud of and why. (250 words max)

My answer: Black hair, small eyes behind a pair of glasses, and short stature; probably the first thing anyone thinks of when they see me is "Hey, that guy's an Asian!" Once some time passes and people get to know me though, my traits of being a hard worker with attention to detail begin to rise to the surface.

Through the first 17 years of life many things have happened; from the freedom of the baby crib at the age of 2, the sorting of classes at the age of 6 to the hormonal bombardments at the age of 13. When the hurdle of school arrived, along with it came the mirage of tests, assignments and homework. To be able to flourish requires strong amounts of dedication, dashes of care, sprinkles of ingenuity and streaks of perfectionism. Beyond the inner circle that was school came scouts. Providing new and fresh experiences, it gave way to the meeting of new people who welcomed the addition of a diligent and humorous individual. With time put in, the role of leader was given and the opportunity of instructing the younger generation was presented. The arrival of creativity would be experienced by friends and family in the forms of zany videos and stories.

Throughout all these tasks I perform, my drive to be the best that I can is unwavering. I'm proud to say that this is possible as I try to inject my inventiveness /passion into everything. What I do always represents who I am.

Any critiques are welcome.

Xti02 5 / 17 10  
Oct 14, 2018   #2
Hi Jonathan

250 words is very little to work with, which means you have to be very smart with using your words to fit in as much as possible. I don't think you did this optimally: in the first half of your essay, only 2 traits come across (hard working and attention to detail). I suspect you might be better off if you skip the racial profiling and the chronological description of your life and rather use those words to expand more on the characteristics you mentioned, maybe give some examples. You could even say - my classmates would describe me as xxx because xxx; my siblings know me as xxx because xxx; my teachers see me as xxx because xxx etc.

I do like your creative descriptions of dedication, care, ingenuity and perfectionism. But I think they could also be enhanced with short examples.

I also don't think you gave enough attention to the second part of the prompt: what are you most proud of and why. You sound like an interesting person, you just need to let more of that shine through (despite the very limited word count!)
Holt [Contributor] - / 7,179 1785  
Oct 15, 2018   #3
Jonathan. This is an interesting creative writing exercise. It is not a prompt responsive presentation. There is a time and place for easy going writing but college application essays are not one of those places. This essay lacks an explanation of how other people view you. Sure you included a product description of yourself, as others see you, but that isn't what the reviewer is looking for. He doesn't care about your physicality. That would be a form of profiling which is against the law. He wants to know how people see you as a person. On the inside. Who do you represent to them based on your community membership, friendship, and family relationship. That is the type of v information that tells him who you are and the sorry of student and student community member you may be.

In addition to that, you don't really tell the reviewer about something you have done that you are proud of. So it appears that you don't excel at anything and you don't have access in your life. You only read the first part of the prompt that said "describe yourself" and ran with it. Totally ignoring the rest of the prompt requirements. That's why this is a bad essay. Try to write a new 3 - 5 paragraph essay that expands on the required prompt discussions. You will need to use totally new content and at least an updated presentation format with the new essay.

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