TOPIC:Describe a problem you've solved or a problem you'd like to solve. It can be an intellectual challenge, a research query, an ethical dilemma-anything that is of personal importance, no matter the scale. Explain its significance to you and what steps you took or could be taken to identify a solution.
I slept alone in a pitch-black bedroom every night. I dreamt of my mother sitting by my bed and telling me the story of "Guess How Much I Love You". I dreamt of my parents kissing my forehead before I closed my eyes. I dreamt of my parents holding my hands and telling me how much they love me. But dreams are only dreams. Each morning, reality slapped me in the face.
My parents remarried when I was three. I tried to treat my stepparents as family, but I couldn't. I would hide underneath my blanket crying, to not let anyone worry about me. Immature and stubborn, I could not accept that my parents were divorced. I was jealous of children happily holding their parents' hands. I know that no matter whom my stepmother married, she would never become my mother. I was afraid of being hated. I had to work extra hard to seem like a perfect daughter. When others were studying, I had to take care of my sisters - bathing them, helping them with their homework, and telling them bedtime stories. And after exhausting myself on all those tedious chores, I finally started studying at 11, despite having to wake up at 5. Throwing up at night with tears streaming down my face became a daily routine. I lived like a prisoner, blaming myself for my parents' divorce.
My life was a tragedy until the day after I had a huge fight with my father. He was using my mother as an example for the lesson he was trying to teach me. However, I could not listen to what he was trying to express because I put all my focus on fighting back. I slammed the door and locked myself in the dark laundry room. I hated when my father talked about my mother because I felt he was judging her. I was defensive. I cried out loud, feeling a pain throbbing my heart. I called my mom and asked her "I am always the one left out. I feel I am a thorn between two families. People get hurt when they interact with me. Why do I need to be alive in this world when no one loves me?" "Go to bed right now." Her words instilled a sense of calmness, bringing peace to my turbulent life. The next day, I saw an email directed to my father. My mom wrote, "If you can't provide my daughter a happy life, then I want her to live with me. Our divorce has nothing to do with her."
Life changes. However, my parents' caring and love lasts. I don't need to worry about being abandoned. I need to face the truth that my parents don't love each other anymore that they decided to divorce. I need to forgive myself and understand that it's not my fault to live in a divorced family. The room is no longer a place for me to cry out loud. It is the best shelter to reflect my life and remind me to be who I truly am.
Creating a study group and catching up with school works, I found my own social circle. At first, we were only students who wanted to study and discuss. Upon talking to them, I found my true passion in art and design. After couple years of changing, I am not putting on the facade of a daughter anymore. My childhood was special. I was forced to face reality while others were hugging teddy bears. Experiencing this debilitating event early in my childhood, I realized that throwing pity parties could not change anything; everyone has to face their demons. Stepping out from my comfort zone, I, an independent girl, have taken control my own life.
Grace, the moving emotions in your essay ends up being affected by the way you use the wrong words to describe certain situations. This is a fault that you repeat many times in this essay, causing confusion for the reader and making him or her wonder as to what you are really trying to say. It is not good for your essay if the reader has to read the wrong description, stop to think about what you have just said, then have to apply to corrections to your mistakes. That does not only show a badly written essay, it also shows that you are incapable of properly expressing yourself in the English language. I believe that is the last thing that you want to do so let me help you fix the existing mistakes in your essay.
My parents remarried DIVORCED when I was three.
- Remarried means your parents reconciled and got married to each other again. Since you talk of step parents in the next sentence, you meant to say they divorced when you were 3.
their parents' 'S hands
I know that no matter whom my stepmother FATHER married
- You are no longer related to your stepmother if she marries someone who is not your father. So you mean that whoever your father marries.
Anda After exhausting myself on all those tedious chores, I finally started studying at 11 AT NIGHT, despite having to wake up at 5 IN THE MORNING. Throwing up at night with tears streaming down my face became a daily routine. I lived like a prisoner, blaming myself for my parents' 'S divorce.
-Can you explain a bit about why you felt like you were to blame for their divorce? The reader needs to know the source of your pain and analogy of the situation.
I hated IT when my father talked about my mother
I called my mom and asked BEGGED TO EXPLAIN MY LIFE TO ME. I ASKED her; "I am always the one left out.
"Go to bed right now." Her words instilled a sense of calmness, bringing peace to my turbulent life. HER VOICE WAS THE VOICE OF REASON THAT I SOUGHT AND THE SOURCE OF LOVE THAT I FELT WAS MISSING FROM MY LIFE.
The next day, I saw an email MY MOTHER WROTE, directed to my father
provide my daughter WITH a happy life
- Resolve this issue at this point. Did you go live with your mother? Did your father treat your differently after he read the email? How did the email affect your life and relationship with him?
my parents' 'S caring and love lasts.
it's not my fault to THAT I live in a divorced family.
Creating a study group and catching up with school works, I found my own social circle. At first, we were only students who wanted to study and discuss. Upon talking to them, I found my true passion in art and design. After couple years of changing, I am not putting on the facade of a daughter anymore. My childhood was special. I was forced to face reality while others were hugging teddy bears. Experiencing this debilitating event early in my childhood, I realized that throwing pity parties could not change anything; everyone has to face their demons. Stepping out from my comfort zone, I, an independent girl, have taken control my own life.
- At this point, you don't need to suddenly try to connect your story with your chosen major. It does not fit in the narrative so drop it. Keep the narrative personal until the conclusion. Just stick to everything that relates to the story you already told and the essay will be fine :-)
Hi Louisa,
Thank you so much for all those advices. I changed some parts of my essay, but the word limit is 650 and it is now 671. Can you please help me?
I slept alone in a pitch-black bedroom every night. I dreamt of my mother sitting by my bed and telling me the story of "Guess How Much I Love You". I dreamt of my parents kissing my forehead before I closed my eyes. I dreamt of my parents holding my hands and telling me how much they love me. But dreams are only dreams. Each morning, reality slapped me in the face.
....
Grace, the key to shortening your essay lies in rethinking how to present the information in your paragraphs. Think of how you can say the same thing in a shorter sentence. That is how you practice bringing down your word count. Let me show a sample of how to do that with this essay:
I slept alone in a pitch-black bedroom every night. I dreamt of my mother sitting by my bed and telling me the story of "Guess How Much I Love You". I dreamt of my parents kissing my forehead and telling me how much they loved me before I closed my eyes. I dreamt of my parents holding my hands and telling me how much they love me. But dreams are only dreams. Each morning, reality slapped me in the face.
- Make sure that the essence of the paragraph remains even after you reword it.
I would hide underneath my blanket crying, to not let anyone worry about me. Immature and stubborn , I could not accept that my parents were divorced. I was jealous of children happily holding their parent's hands. I kno Ew that no matter whom my father married,
If I behave better, my parent will have more time to spend with each other; they will not argue over taking care of me during weekends. I often wonder do they regret to give birth to me?
- This last sentence belongs in the first paragraph. Placed at the end of the paragraph, it will immediately establish the sense of blame that the 3 year old placed on herself. Since your parents are already divorced, the statement makes no sense in this paragraph.
My life was a tragedy until the day after ONE DAY, I had a huge fight with my father.
I called my mom and begged HER to explain my life to me. I asked TOLD her; "I feel I am a thorn between two families.
HerS voice was the voice of reason that I sought and the source of love that I felt was missing from my life.
After HE received the letter, my father never judged my mother again
but I suddenly felt THAT I belonged in both families.
Life changes. However, my parent's caring and love lasts DOESN'T. I don't need to worry about being abandoned.
my parents don't love each other anymore that SO they decided to divorceD.
I need to forgive myself and understand that it's not my fault that
Do let me know if the deletions and adjustments I made in your essay was enough to bring down the word count to the correct level. If not, let me know and I'll look it over for more edits. Or maybe you will want to try do to it yourself? Whatever you decide, I'm here to lend an assist :-)
Hello Louisa,
Thank you so much!!! They did bring down the word count:)
Do you think I should make the following sentence into a separate paragraph and place it as the opening sentence or should I delete the sentence?
If I behave better, my parent will have more time to spend with each other; they will not argue over taking care of me during weekends. I often wonder do they regret to give birth to me?
Grace, I think that we can use those sentences to enhance the first paragraph. If you will allow me, I will show you an example of how we can do that. Use it as a template for your own version or use the one I created, I won't mind :-)
Here is how I would write your opening paragraph:
Each night, I longed to retire to a past in my childhood when my life was perfect. My parents would read me a bedtime story then tuck me into bed with assurances of how much they loved me. Instead, I retired to this pitch black bedroom every night wondering what I could have done to save their marriage. Maybe if I were a more behaved child they would not have fought so much because they would be busy taking care of me. Maybe it was my fault they divorced. Maybe they regretted having me for a child, that is why they always argued. Maybe they did not love me. Maybe... I should keep blaming myself for what happened.
Do you see how I combined the thoughts into a new sentence that delivered a clearer thought from your 3 year old self? That is the way that you should edit a paragraph when you want to add information that does not seem to fit at the beginning, middle, or the end of the paragraph. You have to revise the whole thing and make it work with the new and old sentiments. I hope my suggestion helps :-)
Louisa,
THANK YOU SO MUCH! That really helps me a lot!!
