Can you please evaluate my essay.
Here is the prompt:
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are? *
Every day we never notice how we can motivate and help others with simple little things. They seem to go unrecognized and no one ever seems to be appreciated of them. We never seem to look at those who help others in not a big way, like help with homework, but when we all decide to see or observe those little things it makes a difference to the person who has given you a hand in solving a challenging problem. This is something that truly gave me the feeling of accomplishment as a tutor.
I have started my second year working as a tutor in the afterschool program at my school, but still remember one of my first accomplishments as a tutor from last year. When remembering the experience I feel that this year and the future years will motivate me to help others the same way, I had helped her. It was only a few months since I had become a tutor, when a girl walks in and takes a math book to do her homework. Her name was Jennifer. She raises up her hand and I decide to go and help her. The subject was Algebra 2 and she didn't quite understand one of the math word problems. I, who have trouble figuring out word problems myself, was able to break it down for her, and she asked me to stay while she works the next problem so that I could make sure she did it correctly.
After that day while she would be waiting for her brother, she would come by and do her math homework. She would only asked for me because she was shy and felt that I could help her better than the other tutors, who were mostly guys. We soon became good friends and we started to get to know each other better. After about a whole year of coming to tutoring Jennifer had started to understand math and grow as a person. She was so proud of herself and she was really happy that she didn't have to ask for my help as much.
This inspired and motivated me to do more for others who are having a hard time to solve a complicated problem. I had learned through this experience that to help others you just have to show that you are willing to do anything you can. It gave something to always recall on in my mind and that is when I assist someone in need of help with a hard problem, I can always explain it so they can realize how to find the answer. I have been helping many underclassmen since last year and every time I feel that I have accomplished when I see one of them smile or say thank you after I help them.
I think your first paragraph would work well in 3rd person. Similar to your first sentence.
I think you have a really go topic to work with, something that definitely has potential for a great essay. That being said, it does need some work. In the last paragraph i think you need to write more about how it relates to the person you are and stay away from Jennifer, since it is a real opportunity to share with the reader about yourself, i think you should definitely take more advantage of it. I know you have already done so, but i think a little bit more about yourself wouldn't hurt. Also, try not to use I so much. It seems to be stopping your writing from flowing at the end.
Other than that i think you did a great job to create an emotional connection with the reader (something my teacher was talking about is very important) during the second paragraph.
Thanks for replying to my post by the way.
I think the new draft sounds a lot better. You need to ask yourself if the reader learned something about you when reading the statement. Of course i could tell you but i think you need to try to figure it out yourself, that way you will have another chance to reflect upon your writing.
Other than that maybe try to add one one thing about yourself at end, I'm not sure what, but something that will help answer the question even more so that you already have, but don't become repetitive.
...seems to be appreciative of them.
We never seem to look at those who help others in
not a big way in small ways, like helping with homework, but when we all decide to see or observe those little things it makes a difference to the person who has given you a hand in solving a challenging problem.
Be careful of the verb tense:
It had only been a few months since I had become a tutor, when a girl walked in and took a math book to do her homework.
up her hand and I decided to go and help her.
Look for places in the essay where you used a present tense verb instead of past tense. Make sure you stay consistent with the past tense as you tell the story.
This inspired and motivated me to do more for others who are having a hard time to solve a complicated problem. --- excellent!!