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"Procrastination is a killer" - COMMON APPLICATION ESSAY- NEED TO BE REVIEWED/CRITICIZED


omarerchid 2 / 5  
Dec 31, 2008   #1
Procrastination is a killer...anyways I am going to put this under "topic of your choice" please give any suggestions- spelling,grammar,flow,vocab, whatever helps

thanks!!!!

The pages of a family tree's documented history lay hidden, preserved not in a literature's hardcover binding but rather in a loose compilation of papers, suffocated by the dust coating every inch within the crude wooden box they are kept in. The lid of the brittle lumber displays the characters of a foreign language, which is understood to be the family name. Shuffling through the stack, one will uncover that after every few papers, there is a striking difference in the material and age of the pages, beginning with the oldest.

The peak of the stack is near impossible to read from, as the writing has almost faded off the centenarian-wrinkled parchment. They speak of man born on an unknown date in the late 19th century. The man reportedly lived the majority of his years on a secluded field where he tended to the acres of his family's crops. Following the birth of his first son, men in ornamental clothing arrive at their mud home with guns and uniform, informing him that he is to be fighting for his third-world country in "the global war". The newly-made father departs two days later on foot towards the nearest train station. Signed at the bottom of the of the last paper in this account is a name that does not identify with the one on the box. A small note beneath reveals the signee has ghostwritten the autobiography on behalf of the illiterate father.

The slightly-younger, second segment reads of the soldier's son, who moved with his re-married mother to a nearby village following the loss of his father in the war. He writes that he attended school for five years before dropping out, and the elementary writing skills of this account support this claim. He works as a construction laborer for his village but manages to acquire a dump truck after years of frugal living. A second "global war" has besieges the country but luckily, his status as an only child renders him ineligible for combat. Instead, he runs supply errands in his truck for the military, and is showered in prosperity following the war's conclusion for his support of the secular nationalism. His account ends abruptly with news that he has contracted an illness in the liver and is quickly succumbing to it.

Familiar, lined notebook paper is the medium upon which the latter's middle son prints his story. It is also the first volume in the series that is not written in the foreign language of his fathers. General approval of the secular movement has plunged, yet the country continues in a dive towards the monster communism that is engulfing politics globally, suppressing any religious practices. In an effort to find peace in a democratic rule, he flees to the United States and becomes the first graduate of higher learning in his family. Freedom to exercise his religious practices and the education of his children is all that keeps him from looking back at his homeland.

Concluding the timeline is a computer-typed piece by the succeeding generation. As the eldest son of the immigrant, he was encouraged by his father to pursue knowledge from an early age. Political activism and spiritual leadership were among the vast benefits available in the liberal environment. Surpassing his forefathers in education, he graduates high school in white with hopes of attending one of America's most prestigious institutes.

It is here where the series ends, and where MY offspring must resume. In carrying on the legacy, each following link in the kin's chain would have to be better achieved than the preceding one. Where I may fall short, perhaps my seed will one day succeed, triggering the one scenario where the human doesn't mind being inferior to another.
EF_Constance - / 143  
Dec 31, 2008   #2
The pages of a family tree's documented history lay hidden, preserved not in a literature's hardcover binding, but rather in a loose compilation of papers, suffocated by the dust coating every inch within the crude wooden box they are kept in.

A second "global war" has besieges the country but luckily, his status as an only child renders him ineligible for combat; instead , he runs supply errands in his truck for the military and is showered in prosperity following the war's conclusion for his support of the secular nationalism.

Great essay! A little wordy though. I would try to cut down on the overly complex sentences. I got a bit lost in some sentences. Other than that and very few stylistic issues, it was great!


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