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"I am the product of my environment" - Discover Scripps Program (fly-in); identity essay

mindlesscat01 1 / - 1  
Jul 24, 2018   #1
advice/corrections on grammar, sentence flow, content,etc. will be deeply appreciated!

In what ways have your background, experiences, and values contributed to your identity?

(max. 150 words)

I am the product of my environment. I'm quite literally the product of my parents but I am also a product of me. I am a bisexual hearing impaired first-generation Tibetan-American feminist. I've grown up in a household that firmly believes in the American dream- come to this country and work hard- as my parents are living examples. They grew up as Tibetan refugees in India after their parents fled the persecution by the Chinese Communist Party in Tibet. The overcoming of their hardships in a new country has always inspired me to persevere through challenges. In addition, my identity is also credited towards women in STEM. Throughout high school, I've worked in a lab studying hearing loss. My time there has allowed me to unabashedly embrace my deafness as it redefined who I am. My background, beliefs, and experiences have allowed me to become the person I am today.

Holt - / 7,529 2001  
Jul 25, 2018   #2
tsering, for starters, you can better meet the maximum 150 word requirement if you remove the first 5 words in this statement. It doesn't really help the essay move forward anyway because it doesn't add information to the presentation. You can start instead with the more informative second sentence. On second thought. Scratch that. Open instead with the third sentence because that is most certainly of interest to the reviewer and is definitely an attention grabbing hook that you can use to keep the reader glued to your upcoming declarations. You totally do not need to say "I am quite literally the product..." That isn't offering important of informative data about you as a person also. The rest of the essay is just perfect when it comes to informing the reader about how your whole life has contributed to who you have become and the identity you align yourself with. You have done an excellent job of informing the reader in about you in those sentences.

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