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Personal Profile for application (applied sciences)

bontol 1 / -  
Nov 30, 2016   #1
Hello I've only completed one of the responses required in my application but I want to know if any changes need to be made for this so that I can learn from it and write my next ones better.

Tell us about an experience, in school or out, that taught you something about yourself and/or the world around you. (maximum 200 words)

Before I entered high school, I always thought of myself as an introvert. Graduating from elementary school made me want to change myself, whether it was apparent or not. When choosing my first courses for grade 8, I chose my electives to be dance and drama instead of graphics or band class. I thought that I would regret this decision, but I soon found myself to be constantly looking forward to drama classes and performances. This surprised myself and let me realize that although I enjoyed working alone, I felt happier when I was around my friends. Friendship became a value I learned to appreciate greatly, and my friends have each made an impact in my life. I truly believe that choosing drama as a class changed the way I looked at myself and motivated me to try new things in the future. A part of my mind has since learned to look forward to opportunities which could further develop and shape my mentality.

kieranh1 1 / 2  
Nov 30, 2016   #2
Some things I would change:
"made me want to change myself, whether it was apparent or not." could be made a little clearer. Apparent to you, or everyone else?

"I soon found myself to be constantly..." could change to something like "but soon I was constantly looking..." I think that would flow a bit better.

"Friendship became a value I learned to appreciate greatly" => "Friendship became a value I appreciated/appreciate (not sure which) greatly" or something along the lines of "I learned to appreciate the value of friendship..."
Holt [Contributor] - / 9,025 2715  
Nov 30, 2016   #3
Eric, rather than simply telling the reviewer that you were an introvert, you should have shown instances when other people thought you were an introvert. That way the reviewer will have an idea about how the people around you viewed you. Then you can explain how that point of view affected you and led you to take more social oriented subjects and activities in Grade 8. It the part about how the other people viewed you plus the reason why you felt that yo needed to change that perception of who you are which would better respond to the prompt requirements. You still have word room to develop your essay. I suggest that you utilize it to the maximum if you have to in order to make sure that your narrative comes across loud and clear to the reviewer when he analyzes your content.

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