After the Day 2 of the International Olympiad in Informatics (IOI) 2009 in Bulgaria, a breaded-haired man twice my height approached me. I could feel my heart throbbing fast as I recognized who he was instantly: Dr.
^breaded hair?
During this process, I further realized algorithms' wide array of applications in the real life and became fascinated by Computer Science's almost limitless possibilities in the future.
^A bit of a cliche, seeing as how possibilities are generally limited.
I want to be in a world-renowned university with the best quality courses and a first-rate faculty
^What makes Carnegie Mellon world renowned, and what makes it have the 'best quality courses'?
I look forward to exploring modern Computer Science concentrations, particularly Human Computer Interaction and Language Technologies, thus finding a suitable concentration for me. These criteria led me to Carnegie Mellon University.
^Needs grammar revision.
I am particularly impressed thatadmire how CMU, through Women@SCS, has done real job in encouragingencourages women in Computer Science. I realize that when I step into the School of Computer Science, I have Big Sisters to whom I can talk and ask. Through Women@SCS, I look forward to participating in the regularly held dinners with companies and also leadership and interview training, thus preparing myself for my future career.
^I do not suggest the shallow 'my future career' card. Think of something else that is meaningful perhaps?
On the other hand, I believe that I can also contribute to CMU, for example by participating on the ACM International Collegiate Programming Contest on behalf of the school. Additionally, since encouraging my younger female compatriots is my deep concern, I am planning towill volunteer actively in Women@SCS and Society of Women Engineers. Being a South-East Asian, I can also enrich Carnegie Mellon University's cultural diversity.
^Youve got a fairly good essay here. Some tweaks regarding your grammar should be made however.
Your last paragraph however, had some strange errors.
Encouraging female compatriots is a deep concern? I do not think that is the effect you were going for.
Your essay is fine overall. It just needs some improvement, and if you have more to discuss, then include it. If there is a strict word limit, then keep it as it and focus on just tightening it up a bit.