Please please please can someone review this, I have to send my common app today!
Grammatical errors, flaws in concept, confusion, anything! please help me. thank you!
Sweat beads dripping from my forehead, heart racing and face flushed, I took a sip of water in hopes of untying the twists and tangles in my stomach. My feet were bare, I was wearing my judo uniform, and as I heard my named called on the loud speaker, I stepped onto the mat. The nerves wrecked me just as bad as last time. As the referee called, "Hajime!" (begin), I jumped into my judo spirit and blurred out every sound, every person except my opponent, and I went for it. Year after year, I compete in judo tournaments. Not only for the experience, but because I need a relief, judo is my relief. Whether it is reaching a new belt, or having my chance to beat a boy, my mind switches from "Am I going to miss my bus?" to "His right foot stepped to the side, perfect timing!" Since eight, I've learned the sport. But at eight, what was it to me? A belt here, a choke there, nothing that provided as instrumental to my being. Now, eight years later, judo is my before school milkshake, it is my pre-test nerves, it is my after school workout. It is the mentality that I hold throughout my day. As an assistant judo teacher, to be able to see the progress in young kids, to teach them my mistakes, to see them grow to love the sport as much as I do is the biggest reward. Eight years ago I started, eight years after I teach it, and eight more years further I promise to continue it.
Sweat beads dripping from my forehead, heart racing, and face flushed,
TheMy nerves wrecked me just as bad as last time. This part is a bit random. You make no further reference to "last time" after this sentence.
I competed in judo tournaments
but because I need a relief.J udo is my relief.
Whether it is reaching a new belt, or having my chance to beat a boy, my mind switches from "Am I going to miss my bus?" to "His right foot stepped to the side, perfect timing!" I see what you're trying to say here, but this part is also a little random. "Am I going to miss my bus?" comes out of nowhere.
Since the age of eight, I've learned the sport.
Now, eight years later, judo is my before school milkshake. I t is my pre-test nerves. I t is my after school workout.
I really like your essay overall. It shows your love for judo and also how you've progressed in the sport. One thing I would change, though, is how often list things throughout the essay, like you did in the last three sentences. The format grows to be repetitive - mix it up a bit :) Good luck on your common app!
