university of California Personal statement1 - Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
I would really appreciate if you would review my essay and give me a feedback of any grammar mistake or If i went off topic.
My aspiration is very last line. my dream is the beginning(intro), but events in my life( paragraph 2 and 3) changed my dream. I tried to relate the intro to the conclusion. Please review and leave a feedback. Thanks
A Promise Made
A crispy cold breeze bit me, but I couldn't move, my body was frozen, and my eyes wide open, I was staring at spectacular view of silvery, twinkling objects that lightened the dark night sky. Naively, I raised my hand, hoping to reach those sparkling object, I couldn't reach them they were just too far away. There was one star in particular, closer and brighter than the others, which radiated it's light on me, as if calling me; I narrowed my eyes and promised myself "someday...someday, I am gonna get there." Back then, I was just 5 years old so there was no way I could really understand why I made that promise, but I was desperate about it, and eventually nurture would help me change that dream into an aspiration.
I was born in rural India. India is one of the most financially diverse country in the word. As a child my dad was brought up and born in common Indian village. Although my grandfather was a reputable man and was a teacher, being the eldest of 4 children my dad worked hard to get the family out of the poor and uneducated atmosphere of the village. He set up an example for not only his family, but also for the whole village. My mother was also born in a village not much different from my father's, but being women she had much less choices. Despite the odds because of her desperation and determination, my mother, became a teacher. Even though my parents tried their best to keep me away from the sufferings of other around me, they wouldn't blind my sight. I could see how kids of my age, instead of going to school, would work to feed their brother and sisters. I was frustrated to realize that I could do nothing to help those around me. This made realize the reason I made the promise, and the reason I wanted reach an unreachable place.
Since youth I was very involved in sports and academics as I had encouraging teacher and parents. However, in my later years I realized that I was studying subject that I wasn't just interested in. I was studying them just to get at the top of the class. When I protested to my teacher about those subjects they ignored or told me "you are studying them because you are supposed to study them." Although my interest for math and science never faded, by interest for other subject did, which dropped my rankings; I was losing hope to accomplish my dream of being at top. In 9th grade when my family immigrated to united sates, the cultural and environmental change in a way brought me back to follow my dream. The freedom of education and time allowed me to experiment and learn new things, which allowed me gain more knowledge.
That night, like the stars I want to be at an unreachable place to where everyone would look at. But, after looking at the hardship of other and realizing unfairness in the society, I realized that I want to be that star that influenced me and in a way formed my dream. All the hardship that I saw, and the change in education made me determined about my promise and therefore helped me change my dream into an aspiration. I will keep working hard to reach my goal which is to build a better life for future pillars through knowledge and innovation.
Thanks!!!
You have something good here, I'm sorry if I seem too picky, but I wanted to give you the best help possible :)
Red - Delete. Blue - Add/change
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...yes wide open. I was staring...
...object. I couldn't...
...the others, which, as if calling me, radiated it's light on me ... (It's right both ways, just an option)
...Back then, I was just 5 years old so there was no way...
...and eventually (nurture ) nurturing would help me change that dream into an aspiration...
...I was born in rural India(. India is ) , one of the most financially diverse countries in the word...
...reputable man and (was )a teacher...
...example (for not only ) not only for his family...
...but being (women ) a woman she had...
...Despite the odds because of her desperation and determination, my mother, became a teacher ... A bit odd, try this
...Despite the odds, through determination and hard work my mother became a teacher ...
...the sufferings of others around me, they...
...academics (as I had ) , a result of encouraging...
...studying subjects (that ) I wasn't (just )interested in...
...told me, "You are studying...
...for other subjects did, which...
...like the stars, I wanted to be at an...
...of others and realizing the unfairness inpresent the society...
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Thank you very much for your help. Do you think i am off topic??
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Your welcome, and no I don't think you're off topic. You wrote about the world you come from (born in India, family circumstances, school difficulties) which aptly covers your prompt. If anything, you might want to look into revising your conclusion.
"I will keep working hard to reach my goal which is to build a better life for future pillars through knowledge and innovation."
Try rewording this sentence in order to finish off with a stronger idea. Especially the word 'pillars,' it seems a bit out of place. Other than that, your essay is spot on.
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If would really appreciate if you could give me your thoughts on my essay. Anything helps :)
(My mother has shaped and molded my life and has made an impact on me)
im in the same boat so i feel you
okay. Thanks, again, for your help alan. i will work on that. :)
Thanks shiraj :)
