Please submit a one-page, single-spaced essay that explains why you have chosen Carnegie Mellon your particular major(s), department(s) or program(s). This essay should include the reasons why you've chosen the major(s), any goals or relevant work plans and any other information you would like us to know. If you are applying to more than one college or program, please mention each college or program you are applying to. Because our admission committees review applicants by college and programs, your essay can impact our final decision. Please do not exceed one page for this essay.
As a promising engineering aspirant, I choose both the Carnegie Mellon Institute of technology and the school of computer science. Through upcoming education in Carnegie Mellon University, I will grow stronger and more sophisticated as a human being. I want to study in Carnegie Mellon Institute of Technology and School of Computer Science because Carnegie Mellon University has taught students with the finest mindset and remained one of the best engineering schools throughout the world. Also, I believe that learning science related subjects is a stepping stone for any learning.
When I was a young boy, I was full of curiosity that I had boundless inquisitiveness on everything that caught my attention; I had to scrutinize everything thoroughly and figure out how things work. For example, one day, my dad brought a box of Swiss army knives and showed them to me. I was fascinated by versatile functions of these knives; to me, these knives seemed like a universe that contains everything. I sneaked out to my dad's office to give these knives closer look. I observed knives all night long and finally figured all functions of them. Although I ended up with many cuts on my both hands, I was satisfied with sense of achievement. As my personality shows, I am passionate and eager to learn new things. To me, studying science is like figuring out small details and purpose of swill army knives.
Another thing that attracted me to Carnegie Mellon University is its diverse student body. Being an international student, I have learned to adapt myself to different culture and appreciate differences. By adapting myself to diversity in Carnegie Mellon University, I hope to prove the idea of unity in diversity. I am willing to accept different values of people and learn to understand different ethnicity. Through my education in Carnegie Mellon University, I will strive to find harmony within multicultural environment to make Carnegie Mellon University in and out of the world.
Finally, I am aware of the fact that Carnegie Mellon University expects a lot from its students. It takes blood and tears endeavor to graduate from Carnegie Mellon University. An iron has to go through the time and effort consuming process of quenching and tempering. After enduring all these sufferings, an iron finally becomes refined. Like an iron, I will grow stronger and more refined by going through obstacles. I am not afraid of change, and I would like to be part of making a difference in my life and world.
With these reasons and a fervent hope in my mind, I am convinced that Carnegie Mellon University is my number one university choice.
I like the essay. The content is good and fits the prompt well. However...
With your last sentence, where it says "I am convinced that Carnegie Mellon University is my number one university choice." I think should be replaced with something like "I am confident that Carnegie Mellon University is my first-choice university in furthering my education." Or something along those lines.
I will grow stronger and more sophisticated as a human being. I want to study in Carnegie Mellon Institute of Technology and School of Computer Science because Carnegie Mellon University has taught students with the finest mindset and remained one of the best engineering schools throughout the world.
All this content is vague and abstract. These are just nice words, not meaningful words. They want to know about your plan and how their program fits with the plan. Some students have no plan, so if you have been thinking about your short term goals, let them know by expressing your plan in this introduction.
As I continue to read, I still see very little about your goals. You are a great writer, but this essay is not as good as it could be, because you do not seem to have a well-developed plan for the next few years. :-)
