Hi everyone. I'm applying to Seattle University, a private Jesuit college. This is my very first rough draft of my essay and I would really appreciate some tips. Please ignore grammatical or sentence structure errors. I will proof read and correct. Thank you so much!
The prompt is to write about a topic of your choice.
Fire on Ice
"The proof of gold is fire." This quote by Benjamin Franklin has been etched in my spirit ever since I was a child. I always knew that nothing great came easily and that if wanted it, I had to work for it. The gold is so much more than just a gold medal; it's the beauty of a journey. While taking the Seattle University tour, I heard a quote that stood out significantly to me by St. Ignatius; "Go forth and set the world on fire." These words weighed on my heart not only because of their inspirational nature. It also went hand in hand with a scene that has become a part of my daily life.
My alarm violentally sounds off at 5:45 am. As I struggle to pull myself to alertness, I am tired, sore and desperate for more sleep. I refuse to hit the snooze button. Who knows how many more times that could happen? I get ready, throw my North Face jacket over my skating clothes and drive to the rink. In this moment, coffee is my sole and loyal friend. As I walk into the rink, the cold is a right there to greet me with an obnoxious and overly cheery, "Good morning!". At this moment, it seems nearly impossible to fathom myself jumping, spinning and running grueling programs in the wee morning hours. Now, I have two options. I can take my time, get on the ice and and attempt to get my frozen, stiff legs to perform. Or I can start running. Right now.
You see, the body and the muscles need to be warm in order to function the way you want them to. It isn't fun to run around an ice rink early in the morning but it' will better prepare me for the training ahead. By the time I get on the ice, I'm already warm when the real work begins. "Laps! Let's go," my coach unfailingly nudges from across the ice. Laps it is. Pretty soon I'm wide awake, speeding around the rink, running long routines and completely sweating. Whenever I look down at my cotton gloves, I can see steam rising from the thread. Could this be the same cold and intimidating igloo that I walked into 30 minutes ago? You see, it's in that zone where the magic happens, where the goals are met and the dreams are realized. The opinions and criticisms of others have no power. It's during the time where you feel like you're on fire that the world changes and everything is possible.
If I had gotten on the ice without a warm up, shoulders up to my ears, shuffling around the ice, I would have been waiting a long time for something great to happen. I also would have been one freezing and miserable girl, thinking that I wasn't able to accomplish my goals. Same circumstance. Same place. Different preparation. All it takes is a spark to start the fire and everything you work toward will turn to gold.
This is how I strive to live my life in order to make a difference in the lives of others. I believe this is the perspective in which each individual should approach their journey. Whether it be a career aspiration, a relationship or a dream to change the world. You have to put in the work receive the harvest. The gold of life could not exist without the fire. The great part is that if you love and are passionate about what you're working toward, you will love and enjoy the fire. It's the difference between choreography and performance. It's an indicator of progress and a promise of hope.
Hi :) I really enjoyed reading this essay. It implies so many things, and you use your words to paint a big picture. Yes, I see room for improvement. You have written a wonderful paper so far. Keep working on your description of ice skating- I LOVE the point you make, and it needs much emphasis, that preparation is the key to performing at your best. I like the comparison that you make between skating and other difficult challenges in life. Excellent topic, you will show the admission officials that you are a disciplined and motivated individual. Good luck in school :)
"The proof of gold is fire."
I think the entire first paragraph is too much intro. I would just put the quote at the beginning and then dive into the second paragraph. If you really want to make the connection to Seattle University, it would look great at the end, or in that paragraph.
My alarm violently sounds off at 5:45 am. I struggle to pull myself to alertness. I am tired, sore and desperate for more sleep.
This is one of the best essays I've read so far. It's unique and very well-written! Good luck!
