HONEST AND BRUTAL CRITIQUE NEEDED.
"I did this" Is a characteristic I have. These words are not intended to sound proud, but are a source of motivation for me. I have always tried not to be the best I can but better than the best around me. This might sound cliche, but I ask myself what the purpose of ranking or prize if not to know who has worked the hardest. My interest in economic is a very unusually one because I love do something that has not been done. The field of economics, today, is full of theories that can be right for few decades and wrong the next, not because the theory is wrong, but because the environment has change; with the continuous change in environment, there is abundant opportunity for me develop my ideas and be among the groups that I classify has the "I did this" . University of Chicago is full of unique individuals , but similar to me because we all share the same the " I did this"characteristic. My past experience has not been much help, from a high school in northern part of Nigeria that limits expression, to one that, all together, prevents all forms of diversity. This experience has shaped my idea of what my dream school should be like, a school where different cultures and ideas are not only embraced but can also shape me by expressing the cultural values of an African. A school where an idea would pierce the heart of everyone in class, due to its small size, rather than fade in the crowd of students; I believe University of Chicago is that kind of school.
My motivations to have a degree in economics were two things.First is my lack of understanding of the causes of economic events happening in the world for example: why having one five-hundred thousand note of Zimbabwean dollar can not feed a man for a day .Second is from my father, who always said that getting A in class does not mean it hasn't been done before, but am just among millions of students that have gotten an A . I want achieve something that hasn't been done, that makes me standout and I believe University of Chicago is the place where I my curiosity and love for challenge is matched with great resources and, most importantly, someone to challenge me. A place where I finally can have a chance to pose questions like why an increase in a country's GDP does not translate to economic development for all economic classes or how the improvement in education and economic policy can curb the threat of terrorism around the world. These questions can't be answered without having a state of the art research facility, which University of Chicago provides for students thanks in part to the work of Milton Friedman, who epitomize what it means to challenge existing theories. Milton Friedman did this, but I can do better given the right environment, University of Chicago. In a few years in University of Chicago, I would have achieved something that has been done, rather than just pass through. I would finally be among those that can say "I did this" and passing this challenge to the next students.
"Looking at a professors or students who has "
reword this, it doesn't really make sense:
UC is full of unique individuals and at the same time similar to me because we all the property we share.
I tried to reword this:
A school where an idea would pierce the heart of everyone in class, due to its small size, rather than fade in the crowd of students; I believe University of Chicago is that kind of school.
"I believe UChicago is the kind of school where an idea would pierce the heart of everyone in the class, rather than fade into the crowd." <-- you may want to use a different reason for why ideas would "pierce the heart of everyone in class" besides the fact that there are small class sizes.
"My motivations to study economics were two things; my lack of understanding of economics event happening in the world" <-- where's your second reason? it isn't clear.
I want achieve something that hasn't been done before and I believe the University of Chicago is the place to do so .
"Milton Friedman did this, but I can do better given the right environment, University of Chicago. In a few years in University of Chicago, I would have done something that has been done, rather than just pass through" <-- you may want to reword this.
i think you have good ideas, but need a bit more work communicating them. get some people in your family to read it over just to make sure all your ideas are solid! good luck!
I would change the intro sentence. I know you clarify that you're not trying to sound arrogant, but you do a little. Also I think its an effective hook. I really like the concepts you use! they are unigue and original. You let yourself and your personality shine through, thats good. You have a few gramatical mistakes/typos but they can be easily fixed by a once over of your work.
this senteces "In a few years in University of Chicago, I would have achieved something that has been done, rather than just pass through" is confusing
I would say, "Having a University of Chicago education would grant me all the tools necessary to realize my goals and ambitions. With a UChicago education, I feel confident that i can say "I did it"
Just a suggestion.
Im applying to UChicago as as well! good luck and please take a look at my extended essay. I would love your opinion.
I also suggest you to change your beginning sentence, it is a bit weak and quite confusing. But I do like the flow of the essay and the ending! So just try to incorporate a little something extra to your first sentence.
Best of luck!
Please read mine!! (:
I AM HAVING DIFFICULT ANSWERING THE QUESTION.PLEASE HELP
Strengthen this part below, answer why?
"pierce the heart of everyone in class, due to its small size, rather than fade in the crowd of students; I believe University of Chicago is that kind of school."
Ideas are good but you need more thing or ideas that tie this essay to UChicago.
Remember why you want to go to this school. Other than the Milton Friedman part, if I were to replace UC with CU, I think it would fit. And as kitsumi said include specific course or features that attracts you to this academy. Also if you received any mails from UChicago, go and look at it to see what really hits your mind. For my Why UChicago essay, I read the information packet they sent and compiled data from it. If you need use Wikipedia use it since it really has relevant information (at least it did for me).
Why do you believe what you believe about UChicago?
Most importantly Relax and cool for while and then tackle it again and ask to yourself, Why did I chose this university of all?
Good luck
Its a good essay!!!! You are definitely able to potray your interest in UC through this essay!
But, being an economics student, I really do not understand why your aim is to challenge existing theories. You begin by saying that you are interested in solving economic problems and then your aim then digresses into something I consider absurd!! I suggest you work on the essay to remove this ambiguity.
Other than that I was pretty impressed by the build-up and idea!
Good Luck!
Neat essay! I really like how you approached it with the phrase with "I did this".
Change due to its small size to perhaps due to its small number of students. Small size sounds awkward.
I have two motivations --> perhaps to "Two reasons/causes motivate me" - again, awkward.
Your sentences are on the long side, rambling on sometimes, so read them out loud (Trust me, it helps!).
1. If anything sounds awkward orally, then you know it's awkward in writing.
2. If you run out of breath while reading a sentence, then it's way too long! Cleave in half, find a point where you can break it into two.
The ideas are great though, you show a great deal of passion.
Please look at my essays too please and thank you :)
