Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
In the beginning of my sophomore year I decided to sign up for Key Club because I thought it would look great on my college applications. However, I soon realized that Key Club isn't just a organization to help the community but also to make a difference in someone else's life. Key Club gave opportunity to connect with others on a meaningful and personal level. Furthermore, being involved in Key Club has been a life changing experience because it reshaped my perspective on how to make a difference in the world.
The first event that I went to was called Light the Night, which dedicate a memorial walk for leukemia patients. During this event I connected with the families of leukemia. When I listen to their stories about the struggles and pain they went through, I did everything I could to comfort them. Although I was able to ease their pain, I wished I could have done more to help. However, they still thanked me for all the support and service I've done. At this moment I realized that to make a difference in someone's life does not mean I have to be amazing but just going the distance to be there for them. The thanks and smile I received is what keeps me motivated to continue my passion of helping others.
I wanted to be more involved in the club so I decided to become part of the Key Club's spirit committee. My position was to create new cheers and help others to learn them. I spent countless nights making a fun new cheer. When the moment arrive to pick a new cheer the board committee picked mine out of all the three candidates. I was overjoyed that my cheer was chosen; however, my next task is to teach others my cheer before our annual district convention. At the district convention I was able to meet all of the Key Club members from different district. I was surrounding with amazing people who has the same passion as mine. The most significant part to me was that I personally lead our district with my cheer. Through this experience I improved upon my skill in communication, leadership,and creativity.
I proud of my accomplishment because I know that I have made a difference in people's lives. I intend to use my knowledge and passion to pursue my career as a teacher. I hope to inspire others to help make a change in the world just as key club did to me.
- ...isn't just an organization
- Key Club gavegive ( this is an ongoing action therefore it will take the present form of the verb ) opportunity
- which dedicated a memorial walk for leukemia patients.
- help others and teach them to other membersto learn them .
- I spent countless nights makingcoming up with a fun new cheer.
- ...teach others of my cheer before...
- I was surroundingsurrounded with amazing
- The most significant part tofor me
- Through this experience, my communication skills, leadership and creativity has improved a lot.I improved upon my skill in communication, leadership,and creativity.
- I am proud of my accomplishment...
- ...the world just as key club did to memine .
@missheart, you did a well - written essay, the remarks are very minor, they are basically your linking verbs, the structure of your sentence and some verb tenses. Practice writing and reading a lot will help so make it a habit. It's true that you don't need to be an actor, a big personality or a rich person to be able to change the world because believe me this people can care much about what is happening in the world, our smile, kind words and just a wave of acknowledgement will make a huge difference in a persons day. Keep up the good job.
Angel, I believe that your essay should only focus on one aspect of your membership in the Key Club. While I applaud you for having touched the lives of the Lukemia afflicted families and you headed the spirit committee with great success, it is important that your essay focus on building up only one of these accomplishments to the best of your abilities. Since the two accomplishments are not really connected with one another, I would have chosen only one of the two, usually the one that I can develop best to suit the prompt requirements, as the response to this essay.
I believe that you could accomplish more by discussing the Leukemia aspect of your volunteer work with the club. This was the activity that you participated in that had the most connection to other people and helped bring them comfort. It is important that you present yourself as a civic minded and helpful person in your personal statement. While you had a greater experience participating in the spirit committee, it did little for you in terms of improving your sense of empathy and desire to help others. Factors that oftentimes catch the eye of the reviewer.
I am not belittling your participation in the spirit committee. It just does not seem to carry the same impact as helping other families that are in emotional pain or grieving the loss of a loved one. If you can better portray how you helped these families during the time that you were with them, it would present a better image of your person as someone who cares about others. There are also some life lessons to be learned by interacting with these families such as a sense of support that you were able to share with them. Which in turn, led you to become a better person and member of the club. Explain how the families helped you develop your passion for helping others and where it led you in life.
Discussing a character altering event is usually the kind of essay that reviewers take note of. Specially if you relate the essay in such a way that shows how you were one kind of person before you participated in an activity and then you came out of it a better person afterwards. It shows your ability to learn from experience and a desire to help better the world. That better shows a picture of who you are as a person.
Now, if you can do the same thing with your spirit committee story, then feel free to develop that essay focus instead :-) I hope I was able to help you consider your choices for this essay :-)
Thanks for all your feedback, it truly helped me
