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"A Proud African and a Proud Band Geek": Evaluate an ethical dilemma


Sep 19, 2010   #1
It was my first home game as a Drum Minor. Our Marching band was fortunate this year to have all of our shows to be hosted in a real college football stadium. Standing on my podium, I look to my left waiting for my best friend to cue in the band to play. I felt the heat generate through my body, and the adrenaline pumping through my veins. My hands trembling and I think to myself, "Wow...this is for real!" At the end of the show I sat down in the stands looking back at my past at a boy raised by his single mother from Africa who was trying to make ends meet with three boys in a challenging country. A boy Trying to find out the type of person he wanted to become with the confusion of American culture at school and the African culture at home. Who struggled not being understood by both cultures which left him alone most of the time. Who found a Band program with people who all had struggles in their live who came together as one because of music, and later realized that instead of trying to fit in he should focus on trying to be his own person instead of what both cultures were telling him to be. Eventually when he started being himself other people started to like him for who he was. He was a person who loved music, people, and his african culture. I look back at that thankful for what I have now. I made friends who accepted me for who I am and who have taught me how to participate and be an effective leader. In band I found friends who made me realize that education is what really is important. From that I wanted to do well in school and be a prime example to my brothers who are going through the same thing I did when I was young. If it weren't for marching band I would have been lost and for that I am forever grateful. I am a Proud African who is also a proud Band Geek.

This is a good evaluation of your past and search for identity... however, I'm afraid that you aren't answering the prompt. I can't seem to find the ethical dilemma in your essay. :/
Sep 19, 2010   #3
Yeah. I tried to put topic of choice but my head was somewhere else. Can't change it because I dont know how to. =( Do you have any other opinions?
EF_KevinThreads: 8
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Sep 21, 2010   #4
I felt the heat generate (choose a different verb; generate through does not work) through my body and the adrenaline pumping through my veins.

I think a dash would be nice here:
At the end of the show I sat down in the stands looking back at my past -- at a boy raised by his single mother from Africa who was trying to make ends meet with three boys in a challenging country.

A boy Trying trying to find out the type of person he wanted to become with the confusion of American culture at school and the African culture at home.

Hey Jeff, you must have had an ethical dilemma in band, right?

You have to change this so that it is about an ethical dilemma. State the dilemma at the end of the first paragraph. You can find one easily. I am having one right now: do I give you examples or require you to think of some yourself? Ha ha, it is going to be great when you think of a dilemma you had. Just think about a dilemma related to what is most important to you. Perhaps you had an ethical dilemma when you had to choose between your music and some responsibility to a younger sibling?
Sep 22, 2010   #5
I think you have a great first half, and a great second half. Unfortunately they don't blend together that well, I think you should elaborate more on your cultural identity, and start with an ethical dilemma, because starting the essay with a moment in time from one of your marching band shows, implies that the rest of the story is going to be about that.


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