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'Proud and inspiration' - Admissions Essay


ChavCool93 1 / 4  
Dec 31, 2011   #1
This is the question for one of the essays that I wrote:(500 words maximum) The University of Colorado Boulder's Flagship 2030 strategic plan promotes exceptional teaching, research, scholarship, creative works, and service distinguishing us as a premier university. We strive to foster a diverse and inclusive community for all that engages each member in opportunities for academic excellence, leadership, and a deeper understanding of the world in which we live. Given the statement above, how do you think you could enrich our diverse and inclusive community and what are your hopes for your college experience

My Essay: Being a young adult in the 21st century has given me the opportunity to see my generation grow in an atmosphere where diversity, is truly embraced. I see society in the United States as a melting pot, where a plethora of races, cultures, and languages come together to form our nation. As a minority in this country, I value diversity very much as well as meeting new people from different walks of life and learning from them. Now that I am a senior and high school is about to terminate, I feel that I am a great fit for the University of Colorado at Boulder. I possess many skills and qualities, as a human being that are essential assets for the student culture at CU Boulder.

After playing soccer for over eight years, I was ready for something different that could enrich my high school years and my overall persona. I joined my school's coed cheerleading team my sophomore year and consider it one of the best choices I made in high school. I learned the importance of discipline, good sportsmanship, and leadership. My passion for cheerleading grew and my level of dedication and commitment towards it was so high, that by my junior year, I was assigned a leadership position as my team's co-captain. Through this experience, I learned that life is all about giving and not always receiving. During the winter of 2010, I had the opportunity to serve my community by volunteering and what I received was greater than any Christmas gift I got that year. My team and I were assigned to deliver Christmas baskets to low-income families around the Denver area. After delivering and seeing the need that most of these families had, I thought to myself how lucky I was to even have a Christmas tree with presents in my house. These people were not worried about getting an iPod touch or designer purse, but if they were going to have food on the table for Christmas Eve. Being able to volunteer some hours out of my day to provide these families with a hot Christmas dinner was a great feeling that not even an iPod touch can replace.

By attending CU, I will strive academically while staying involved in community service work as much as possible. By joining a Residential Academic Community program, I am convinced that I will excel in my academic performance, thus, have a successful collegiate career. Making my parents proud and being an inspiration for my siblings by being a first generation college student in my family will fulfill me entirely. My leadership skills and viewpoints as a minority are great assets for the CU family that I want to become a part of. CU offers every opportunity I need in order to get to where I want to be and in the end, wherever my destiny takes me throughout college; my desire to help others and succeed will never change.
EF_Susan - / 2,364 12  
Dec 31, 2011   #2
As a minority in this country, I value diversity very much, as well as meeting new people from different walks of life and learning from them.

I possess many skills and qualities, as a human being that are essential assets for the student culture at CU Boulder.---They assume you are human! :)

I joined my school's coed cheer-leading team my sophomore year, and consider it one of the best choices I've made in high school.

My passion for cheer- leading grew and my level of dedication and commitment towards it was so high, that...

During the winter of 2010, I had the opportunity to serve my community by volunteering, and what I received was greater than any Christmas gift I got that year.

These people were not worried about getting an iPod touch or designer purse, but whether they were going to have food on the table for Christmas Eve.

Being able to volunteer some hours out of my day to provide these families with a hot Christmas dinner was a great feeling that not even an iPod touch could replace.---Man, I don't know...I got one for Christmas and it's pretty sweet! lol

Good luck with school and have fun!
susmi007 1 / 8  
Dec 31, 2011   #3
It's an excellent well-written essay. Best of luck for your application.
besareso 1 / 13  
Jan 13, 2012   #4
I couldn't really find any problems with it.

Maybe take off the ipod part off at the end of the second paragraph. Over all i think its pretty good. I wish i could help you with grammar but i'm lacking in that area
Fannie 1 / 1  
Jan 13, 2012   #5
I really like your essay, it is concrete, but at the same time it explains a lot of things.

Grammatically i couldn't find any specific errors.
The only thing i found is that you should include more aspects about what YOU could enrich the university. Aside from the, it is awesome!

Great essay!
Good Luck!

P.D. can you please check my essay out as well, i have my deadline in a week and i really want feedback!
THANKS!


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