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Proud to be a Titan; Common App -Community


csfantran 1 / 1  
Jan 14, 2013   #1
The prompt is: Everyone belongs to many different communities and/or groups defined by (among other things) shared geography, religion, ethnicity, income, cuisine, interest, race, ideology, or intellectual heritage. Choose one of the communities to which you belong, and describe that community and your place within it. (Approximately 250 words)

One of communities that I am most proud to include myself in is the San Marino High School Class of 2013. The theme for our year is: Proud to be a Titan (our school mascot). We are a community of two-hundred-ninety-six young adults, learning, growing, and excelling together, that I have been a part of for the past four years. A community, that I believe, has revitalized my school with its overwhelming enthusiasm and outstanding achievements. I am honored to say that I am part of the group that has breathed new life in to the Future Business Leaders of America Club at our school, recently placing members in both section and state conferences while also doubling total membership and rising to the fourth largest club in school. It makes me proud to say that I was part of the San Marino Titan football team for all four years, part one of the most winning-est classes in school history, part of a team that set not only school but also league records. It is gratifying to know that I am a member of the class that founded the school badminton team which went to the semi-finals of playoffs in its first year of existence. It pleases me that my class contributed to the longstanding tradition of academic excellence at my school, consistently placing as one of the top public high schools in California based on the Academic Performance Index. My community, the Class of 2013 has accomplished so much during our time in high school, and I have no doubt that me, nor my classmates, will have any trouble accomplishing more in the future. So, it is with pride and delight that I say: I am proud to be a Titan.
dumi 1 / 6,925 1592  
Jan 14, 2013   #2
One of communities that I am most proud to include myself in is the San Marino High School Class of 2013.

Very good start : )

A community, that I believe, has revitalized my school with its overwhelming enthusiasm and outstanding achievements.

... That sounds a bit queer :(
I suggest either "The community" or "This community"

I am honored to say that I am part of the group that has breathed new life in to the Future Business Leaders of America Club at our school, recently placing members in both section and state conferences while also doubling total membership and rising to the fourth largest club in school.

This sentence is pretty too long dear. Better break it up because it disturbs smooth flow of your ideas.
I think you have good reasons for this answer. But try and improve your sentences to be more clear with their ideas.
OP csfantran 1 / 1  
Jan 15, 2013   #3
Thank you for your feedback! It gave me a good laugh during this stressful process, but was also very helpful, haha.
dumi 1 / 6,925 1592  
Jan 15, 2013   #4
Hi csfantran,

It gave me a good laugh during this stressful process

... I don't get what you mean because I did not mean to say anything funny. Neither I did mean to run down your writing. Is that it my feed back what made you laugh ? If so, what's so funny about it?

I'm curious to know :D


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