I am trying to decide how to start my essay and from what approc to take. I have read a few peoples essays and they all focus on an even, like going to the doctor, or a tragic death, or something but my main focus is all within. My purpose is for myself and to prove to my family and friends that I can succeed and become something. Below are the 3 different approaches to my statement of purpose. If anyone would be so kind to help I would greatly appreciate it.
Topic A - Statement of Purpose
Idea 1
We've all been told that we serve one purpose or another in this thing called life. For the longest time I struggled with what I thought, or wanted my purpose to be. It's one thing to sit back and watch things unfold right before our eyes, and it's another to take charge and have an influence on the final outcome. We all have dreams, ambitions, and goals, but for some they don't ever take a chance to chase their dream. Rather they hop on a bandwagon and go with the flow, floating through life without a purpose in mind. I am an achiever, and go after what I believe in. I learn from my mistakes, but bounce right back up and continue marching forward. I haven't ever had the support that most people get when in school. I have always been faced by comments like "You won't ever be as smart as your sibling" or "You can't do that, you're not smart enough" and so on. I over came all those obstacles and proved to myself most importantly that I can succeed when I am focused and determined.
Idea 2
"Why," I shouted, "do you always have to put me down? Why do you think I'm not good enough to become someone?
"Well for starters," he suggested, "You haven't proved yourself to anyone, and your younger siblings will always be better then you."
This has been a common battle with me and my inner demon. He was much like alcohol or heroin. Constantly putting me down, making me second guess my beliefs, morals, goals, and purpose. I try to shut him out as much as possible, but every corner I turn, in my sleep he still appears and degrades what I stand for. I can't get away no matter how hard I try.
Idea 3
I'm in this room, about the size of a single car garage. It's fairly dark, light slightly penetrating through a skylight exactly in the middle of the ceiling. The room has nothing on its walls except white paint; the floor is a cold cement slab. There are two chairs, directly across from one another roughly 3 feet apart. I'm sitting in one and the other is occupied by an exact replica of myself but instead is my inner demon.
"Why have you brought me to this place?" I asked curiously.
"You see," he started to respond in a slow quiet hissing voice; "Your time has run out. You are at the end of the road." He pauses for a few seconds then continues, "You will never become anything. You will always be in the shadows of your brother," and finishes with a wicked evil grin and malicious laugh.
I don't know what to think, mouth and eyes wide open. I'm set back, dumbfounded some might say. "This, this," I stuttered, "Can't be true. I can be better than my brother; I can work just as hard if not harder and prove to you, my family, and myself that I can become someone." I sat there in the quiet a few seconds. Just as I started to stand my alarm went off. "This was all a dream," I scratched my head asking myself, "That wasn't real" Everything was so clear and vivid it was as if I actually witnessed everything. I shake my head still puzzled by what just happened.
It was that very moment I knew I needed to do something with my life. I couldn't expect things to be handed to me. I had to come up with a plan and come about a way to execute that plan and put it in motion. I didn't want to just settle working in a factory, in retail, or in a restaurant. I wanted to do something with my life.
[FRANK] None of the above. All three of them kind of labels you as "pathetic" (not being rude or anything) but the quotes of people saying that your younger siblings will always be better than you are a bit too revealing in way that's not very positive for the admissions officer. [/FRANK]
If you want to write an essay about trying to succeed, then that's perfectly fine. BUT don't even attempt to write an essay about proving yourself to others because that reveals to the college 1) You need people's approval 2) Your past achievements or the lack of are the cause of you being put down and you won't be much of an addition to the college community 3) pathetic.
You definitely need to avoid your "demonology"
Also, take a different approach; rather than COMPLAINING, explain how you would like to succeed. Don't dwell on people putting you down (or you failing) but rather on the fact that you keep your eyes on succeeding.
I mean, this is a transfer essay. A transfer essay should never read as if you are only trying to transfer for the "name" or for the "begging rights" or to "prove yourself" which are all the reasons you seem to be doing because you seem to equate success with this.
Idea 1, in my opinion, is the closest to what I would say acceptable but you definitely need to revise and improve on that idea.
Unfortunately I agree with Envie 100%. All your essays seem to be out of what you really want to share with the admission officers. I mean you do not want them to think of you as your family's black sheep (or something similar.)
You need to look for your true intentions of transferring to UTA. If you want to change airs, or just want to get out from where you are at the moment just say that.
In all ways I would say that the topic is the same and it doesn't work at all.
As Envie said, the first one is the nearest to something. The other two essays are way too far. Suggestions for this essay:
-We've (Don't use contractions and it is worst if you use them at your first sentence all been told that we serve one purpose or another (not necessary) in this thing (word choice) called life. For the longest time I struggled with what I thought, or wanted my purpose to be. It's one thing to sit back and watch things unfold right before our eyes, and it's another to take charge and have an influence on the final outcome. We all have dreams, ambitions, and goals, but for some they of them don't ever take a chance to chase their dream. Rather they hop on a bandwagon and go with the flow, floating through life without a purpose in mind. I am an achiever, and I go after what I believe in. I learn from my mistakes, but bounce right back up and continue marching forward. I haven't ever had the support that most people get when in school. I have always been faced by comments like "You won't ever be as smart as your sibling" or "You can't do that, you're not smart enough" and so on. I over came all those obstacles and proved to myself most importantly that I can succeed when I am focused and determined. (Give some examples that can be added to this essay, but one as the main or most important so you can continue from it.
Good luck!
Check mines please:
So the first idea is the one to build on, is that what you're saying, or change my perspective drastically and choose an event that has happened in my life as my purpose for going to school and choosing UTA as my choice?
These were just brainstorming ideas, and 3 different ways to approach the statement of purpose essay. Trying to get some feedback, that is all. Thanks for the encouraging words
Idea 1 is the best of the three. rather than telling them that you are self-motivated, show them.
For example: You broke your leg 5 weeks before your school's spring dance performance, and 3 days before it you learned all the steps it took 8 weeks for everyone else to learn.
