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'Proving to my parents / excitement to the campus' - NCSSM Essays


Yeereina 4 / 4  
Jan 1, 2008   #1
Have you had any adversity in life that you may want to explain?:

Ever since middle school, my mother had been unsatisfied with the education standards in my hometown, Winston-Salem. In the second half of seventh grade, my mother researched schools outside of the city and realized that schools in the Washington DC area were much better. So in the second half of seventh grade, my mother decided to transfer us to that area. My mother, along with my brother and I moved and rented a house there. Since we still owned a restaurant in Winston-Salem, my father stayed there, and we drove back every weekend to Winston-Salem, to visit him. We continued this twelve hour roundtrip commute for nearly half a year, before my mother decided that although the schools there were excellent, they worth the commute, and the money strain was too great. She remained determined not to return to Winston-Salem's schools, so she decided to move to Raleigh, also because of the schools. In 8th grade, I went to Carnage Middle School in Raleigh, the city which I have lived in ever since. However, our mother still commutes back and forth every weekend. Every Friday, right she picks us up from school, my mom rushes home, where we pack our materials for the upcoming weekend we are going to spend in Winston-Salem. As soon as we reach Winston-Salem, we go to piano lessons. Right after that, my mom drives my brother and I to the restaurant where we help out until it closes at eleven. Fridays are the busiest days for the restaurant, so we must go there to help. On the weekends, we stay home and work on our schoolwork. On Sunday night, we pack our things once again and prepare to load the car to drive back to Raleigh, in order to be able to get to school on time. It may seem like a good idea though, we get to help out in the restaurant, see our father, and get a good education, but there are many disadvantages of this. It is very hard for us to meet up on weekends to work on projects. Sometimes, my mom will drive back on Sunday morning so we can get there on Sunday afternoon, so we can work on a possible project. It has put a lot of strain on our school work. Once school is out on Friday, we don't have anytime to work on it until Saturday. On Sunday, we are only allowed until seven, before we have to leave for the two hour drive to Raleigh. When we commuted to Washington DC, we had to leave at around three everyday for the six hour commute. Another fault is that I never have any time to spend with my friends. My friends in Raleigh know I will not be able to be there on the weekend, so they don't even bother inviting me to parties or movies. My friends in Winston-Salem think I have I completely moved to Raleigh, so they never ask me to meet up with them anytime. Also, it has taken a toll on both my parents. My father always complains about how lonely he is returning to a house by himself, and how scared he is of returning home everyday, a large, dark, empty house waiting for him every night. Sometimes, I hear my dad discussing with my mother, how he doesn't want to do this anymore, and how pointless he thinks his life is. He just lives to wake up, go to work, and return everyday, by himself. He complains that the loneliness is killing him. My mother seems to be more tired, especially from driving back and forth every weekend. She no longer has that excitement and youth I grew up knowing. Everyday, when she comes back from her part time job in Raleigh, she always collapses on the couch and takes a short nap. Despite all this, there are some good things from this however. Aside from the great education, I have learned how to pack quickly and efficiently. I have learned how to sort through things and decide exactly what I need in a short amount of time, rather than wondering if I should bring something or not. This commuting has made me more aware of how much my parents love my brother and me. I appreciate my parents' efforts more than ever. They are risking the life and energy for my brother and me to gain a better education. This has also made my family more closer. Every time I leave my father, I always have tears in my eyes. I think that it's silly, that I'll see him in five more days. But I have repeated this routine for the past three years, yet I can never leave my father with a dry eye. When we leave, I always have to have some kind of contact with him, as if a connection of some sort, like some part of him I can take with me back to Raleigh. This has also make me work harder, like I want to prove to my parents that what they're doing is right, that all that they're risking will be worth it and pay off at the end. I want to make them proud.

How will you contribute outside of the classroom to the NCSSM community?

I will bring energy and excitement to the campus. When a room is quite and still, it gets me nervous and antsy, like something dangerous and unexpected will happen. So I like loud and exciting places, where every one is talking and everything is moving. If somewhere I am at is not high energy, I will make it so. I am generally a happy and outgoing person, so I love to talk and spend time with people. When I am hanging out with my friends, I like to play games, watch movies, do interesting things, and just have fun. I love to design and decorate, so if I am with my friends for the holidays during school, I might take the initiative decorate our hallway, or even our dorm. I will contribute my knowledge and experience, since I have lived, traveled and moved to so many places. I will share my experiences with others. From living in Washington DC, I can bring knowledge of the capital area. From Winston-Salem, I can bring knowledge about the Moravians that first settled there. When I lived in New Jersey and New York, I will bring information about the city that never sleeps. I can bring experience from projects and information, from the many different school curriculums I have been in. Also, from my commutes, I have learned and seen so many different things, I will be happy to share. I will also bring change. If there is something that I am not satisfied with, or have trouble with, I will not hesitate to ask for change or assistance.
EF_Team2 1 / 1,708  
Jan 2, 2008   #2
Greetings!

Some more very good essays! Here are some editing suggestions:

although the schools there were excellent, they were not worth the commute,

Every Friday, right she picks us up from school, my mom rushes home, where we pack our materials for the upcoming weekend we are going to spend in Winston-Salem. - This sentence sounds as if it got chopped up in the editing process. I'd suggest rewriting it.

my mom drives my brother and me to the restaurant

It may seem like a good idea--we get to help out in the restaurant, see our father, and get a good education--but there are many disadvantages to this.

we don't have any time to work on it until Saturday.

we had to leave at around three every day - The word "everyday" is an adjective which describes something ordinary, or that is used every day. When you mean "every single day" it is "every day"; you need to correct this throughout your essay.

Another disadvantage is that I never have any time to spend with my friends.

They are risking their lives and sapping their energy in order for my brother and me to gain a better education. This has also made my family [delete "more"] closer.

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com
OP Yeereina 4 / 4  
Sep 13, 2009   #3
Hi, is there any possibility to changing this to an anonymous posting?
It's an admissions essay, and I'd like to keep it private. Thanks!
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Sep 14, 2009   #4
The whole idea of this site is that the everyone can read and comment on each other's work in a public forum. That way, people can learn from reading one another's essays and the feedback that has been given on them. If you are worried about being able to prove that the essay is your own work, make sure to sign up using your real name, so that anyone who comes to the site can see clearly that the work was yours and learn when you posted it.
LilyTran 3 / 8  
Sep 29, 2009   #5
Yeereina

I think everyone can edit the essay of themselve. So try to private it. Or ask the admin


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