Hi. Can you give me some advice and suggestions on this essay? Thank you very much.
Topic: You are given the power, for one day, to be an invisible observer at an historic event. Although you will not be able to change the course or the outcome of the event, you will be able to bring back to the present all the insights you gain. Explain which historic event you would most like to witness, and why you think being an observer at that event would help you make an important contribution to the future.
As a Korean descendant, I would like to witness the Korean War, which broke out in 1950. My grandfather fought in the Korean War, so I would like to gain the memories, stories, and insights that belong to my grandfather. By gaining them, I would like to make history more accurate, so that the whole world will know the truth about the Korean War. The other reason is that I would like to pass them down to my descendants and my friends. Although I could pass down the stories I have heard from my father and grandfather, as an observer, I would give new insights to these stories.
This war is very important to me because it involves my country. It split the country into two different nations along the 38th parallel: north and the south. By witnessing the Korean War, I would like to contribute to the future by writing a more accurate and a less biased history by clearing up the questions and misconceptions that people may have about the Korean War. There are common misconceptions that are repeatedly voiced by the Korean War veterans. One of the common misconceptions is that "54,000 people died in Korean War." We do not know if this is actually reliable, but many tend to rely on them, which I believe is not the right way of learning history. We need evidences and information to support it. I am not saying that the misconception is correct, but I think we should a reason to everything. By clearing up these misconceptions, I wish that no one will have any misunderstandings about the Korean War.
The second reason I want to observe the Korean War is to pass down the stories to my descendants and my friends. I believe that people should at least fully understand their country's history and the culture. So by passing down the stories, insights, and knowledge I have gained by observing the Korean War, I hope my descendants can fully understand the Korean history and its culture. It would also be important to share my experiences with my friends because I have witnessed the lack of coverage of this important war in my own school's history classes and as a Korean, I was disappointed. By sharing my memories, I wish my family and friends will gain a better understanding of my culture, as well as its history.
My ultimate goal is to spread the insights and knowledge I have gained to entire world because many people know so little about my country's history. There are some people out there who do not even know that Korea exists because it is such a small country and it does not have a great influence, or power. I have always wanted to help spread my country's history somehow, so if I am really given this power, I will not lose my chance to help spread my country's history throughout the world. Although I cannot change the outcome of the war, I will change the knowledge of the people.
Good afternoon.
Mechanically, watch your use of excessive and inappropriate use of commas. Perhaps a quick refresher on when to/when not to use them would help here. There are various free online guides that can help you with this.
Your introduction is very good. You give your reasoning and a generalization of your reasoning.
Your second and third paragraphs explain a noble intent; to clear up history. You are concise enough to keep the essay on topic, but detailed enough to keep your reader attentive.
Your conclusion is very appropriate; it reiterates your purpose and gives your audience closure.
This piece is a good response to the prompt, answering all of the points presented to you. Nice work.
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
