Topic of my choice:
(Basically the story of how my glasses broke.)
The bridge of my nose magnetizes my index finger. I awkwardly tap at it for a moment before realizing that there was nothing there to adjust. "Oh no," I groan to myself, "Not again." The psychological effects of the disaster that has so mysteriously occurred during the night are beginning to come into play.
I awoke this morning to the tune of an upbeat song. Ready to start the school day, I put my glasses on, but something wasn't right. Unlike my right eye, the vision in my left eye was blurred. I looked closer and discovered that the left lens was popped out! Kneeling to the floor, I extended my arms to feel for any hint of plastic but couldn't find a thing. I was then aware that I hadn't turned off my alarm. The normally bouncy piano riff now sounded sour and mocking.
I am at school. My face feels naked. I feel naked. Everyone is asking me why I don't have my glasses on like I'd forgotten to wear my uniform. My contacts are irritating me, in both senses of the word. I cannot concentrate in class for I am out of my comfort zone. My thoughts drift back to the last time I was forced to wear these torture devices.
I've barely made it on time to the orphanage, panting after running up a flight of stairs. These contacts put up a good fight this morning, but I had to pay the price of being late. "Hello everybody! Ready to learn? " I ask. The first response (which, coincidentally, wasn't a response at all) came from Sari, the little girl sitting cross-legged to my right. "Kakak Kia, why aren't you wearing your glasses?" I tell her I am meeting a friend afterwards and that I want to look pretty for the occasion. "You look pretty," she says, changing her tone, "You always look pretty. But you don't look like Kakak Kia today." (Should I clarify what Kakak means here?)
What a concept! I do not look like myself. Were these glasses so critical to my appearance that I could be rendered unrecognizable by the very lack of them? The answer, simply stated, is "yes."
You see, these black plastic frames are not just any glasses; they are part of my persona. In Lord of the Flies, Piggy's glasses represent intellect, drawing from the fact that eyeglasses allowed him to see clearly. The stereotype that people who wear glasses are more intelligent does not prove to be 100% true, but it is useful. For me, they serve as a tangible source of motivation to fulfill that generalization for myself. There's something to be said for a constant reminder of "You are smart! Do something with it!" in front of your face for most of the day.
My glasses take my emotions to new heights, fogging up when I laugh in the warm air and getting wet when I cry. I am more aware and appreciative of the beauty surrounding me. They aid in my academic pursuits; without them, I couldn't read, study, or learn as efficiently as I do now. They are my armor; they protect me from potential damage to my eyes and surprisingly mask physical imperfections with the slightest of ease. Sigh. What I would give to have my glasses back right now.
What's that? The bell rang? Oh, thank goodness. I bolt out the main door and slide in my car as soon as it arrives. We stop by my uncle's house on the way home since he'd agreed to fix my glasses for me. He opens the door. I greeted him, "Hi Uncle Ed, do you ha-"
"Here you go, kid," he interrupts, "Good as new." My uncle gingerly hands me back my glasses.
I reciprocate his caution in an act of appreciation. "Ahh," I sigh, "Home at last."
640 words! How do I shorten this mammoth?
I am hesitant about sacrificing my anecdote to shorten it, but what else can I do to make this shorter?
Also, here's my Lehigh Supplement.
What unique aspect of Lehigh most interests you? (As a guideline, your response should be between 150-250 words.)
What first attracted me to Lehigh was their attention to the sciences. Lehigh's history confirms that with the fact that the university originally began with five schools, four of those being scientific ones. Even though Lehigh is now much more concentrated in a wide range of other programs as well, it is interesting to see how education was established on such a large scientific foundation. I am applying to College of Arts and Sciences, with a major in the Biological Sciences program. Also, the opportunity for undergraduate research is certainly appealing. After watching a short video on a current Lehigh student's research process, the first thought in my head was, "This is what I want to be doing." I want to contribute something not just to the university, but also to the field itself. Faculty involvement is critical in first guiding a student through the procedure, but the prospect of eventually creating something from beginning to end is exciting. I would love to take advantage of the resources that Lehigh has to offer, especially using the world-class laboratory equipment. I truly look forward to working with the experienced staff members and honing my skills in a conducive environment.
In our ever-changing society, people have defined 'equity' and 'community' in many different ways. How do you define these terms and what are the implications of equity and community for our 21st century society?
When I plug the words "equity" and "community" into my brain, I instantly think of a paper people chain. Everyone is united and everyone is the same. Equity, the concept of impartiality and fairness, is necessary for the basis of a strong community. The identical appearance of the paper people symbolizes each person's equal opportunity to be treated fairly.
Society would not function without community; people are always going to be a contributing member of the general public. However, now with the help of technology that bridges the communication gap, we are able to expose ourselves to new communities. We have the choice to associate ourselves with anybody and any beliefs. Internet forums, blogs, and any website that provides memberships are solid examples. This sense of a modern community would increase accessibility and in turn, stimulate involvement in a deeper level. We have the power to spread awareness reinforce equity in our communities.
Before opening the paper people chain, only one person is seen; this can represent any person just like you and me. When the chain is unfolded, we are left with multiple people stemming from that piece of paper, demonstrating how other people can influence our identity. That one piece of paper is community -- the common link that is the very root of how we integrate in society.
Equity and community should coexist in a successful environment; the presence of each one is integral in keeping the machine of society well oiled.
Would appreciate any and all feedback and will really try to get to yours when I have some spare time. Thanks guys!
Hi! Thank you for helping with my essay!
I'd like to return the favor here =)
-I think the first sentence is a bit confusing (to me). When I first read it, it was not as smooth as it should be.. maybe consider rewording this sentence a bit ? =)
-The first and the second paragraphs need a slight transition
-I extended my arms to feel for any hint of plastic but couldn't find a thing.
--> my suggestion: I extended my arms to trace ..., but couldn't find a thing (consider using the word "trace" somewhere instead?)
-I am at school. My face feels naked.
-->Once I am at school, my face feels naked ..
-And I think you should clarify what Kakak means *hmm.. maybe not clarify, but just personalize a bit more like --> But you don't look like Kakak Kia today. To her, Kakak is ... (maybe explain a bit here what Kakak usually is like)
-To me, this sentence "For me, they serve as a tangible source of motivation to fulfill that generalization for myself. There's something to be said for a constant reminder of "You are smart! Do something with it!" in front of your face for most of the day. " is a bit unclear. Maybe explain a bit more ?
-I think the ending could be made a bit stronger, too --> relate to your eye glasses maybe?
Overall, your essay has a good content!
Hope this helps! good luck!
and please feel free to leave more comments on my essay, too =)
I'd love to hear more from you
thanks!
Thanks Nicharee! Took your suggestions into consideration :)
Did you have any comments for my supplement?
Got it down to 561 words! Can anyone see if there's anything else I should fix now?
I'll return the favor!
I move my index finger to the bridge of my nose out of habit. I awkwardly tap at it for a moment before realizing that there was nothing there to adjust. "Oh no," I groan to myself, "Not again." The psychological effects of the disaster that has so mysteriously occurred this morning are beginning to come into play.
I awoke to the tune of an upbeat song. Ready to start the school day, I put my glasses on, but something wasn't right. Unlike my right eye, the vision in my left eye was blurred. I looked closer and discovered that the left lens was popped out! Kneeling to the floor, I extended my arms to trace it, but I couldn't find a thing. I became aware that I hadn't turned off my alarm. The normally bouncy piano riff now sounded sour and mocking.
Once I am at school, my face feels naked. I feel naked. Everyone is asking me why I don't have my glasses on like I'd forgotten to wear my uniform. My contacts are irritating me, in both senses of the word. I cannot concentrate in class for I am out of my comfort zone. My thoughts drift back to the last time I wore these torture devices.
I had barely made it on time to the orphanage. My contacts put up a good fight, but I had to pay the price of being late. "Hello everybody! Ready to learn? " I asked. The first response (which, coincidentally, wasn't a response at all) came from Sari, one of my students. "Why aren't you wearing your glasses?" I tell her I am meeting a friend afterwards and that I want to look pretty for the occasion. "You look pretty," she says, changing her tone, "You always look pretty. But you don't look like Kia today."
What a concept! I do not look like myself. Were these glasses so critical to my appearance that I could be rendered unrecognizable by the very lack of them? The answer, simply stated, is "yes."
You see, these black plastic frames are not just any glasses; they are part of my persona. In Lord of the Flies, Piggy's glasses represent intellect, drawing from the fact that eyeglasses allowed him to see clearly. The stereotype that bespectacled people are more intelligent isn't 100% true, but for me, they serve as a tangible motivation to fulfill that generalization for myself. There's something to be said for a constant reminder of "You look smart. Now can you be smart?" sitting in front of your face.
My glasses take my emotions to new heights, fogging up when I laugh in the warm air and getting wet when I cry. I am more aware and appreciative of the beauty surrounding me. They aid in my academic pursuits. Without them, I'd have difficulty doing my favorite pastime: reading at night. They are my armor, protecting me from physical damage to my eyes and masking eye bags with the slightest of ease. I am proud to be a "four-eyes".
I arrive home and my mother instantly hands me my glasses case. "Here," she says, "I got them fixed for you while you were at school."
A moment of pure bliss ensues as I open the case and put on my glasses, reuniting with my old friend. "Ahh," I sigh, "Home at last."
I'm looking at your second draft.
If you want to be really picky,
"Unlike (that of) my right eye, the vision in my left eye was blurred."
"I cannot concentrate in class, for I am out of my comfort zone."
I think this sentence: "My thoughts drift back to the last time I wore these torture devices."
You might also think about keeping your tenses consistent. Or, pick a moment in time, and base the tenses relative to that moment.
For example, you might want to change: "'Hello everybody! Ready to learn?' I asked... 'I tell her....'" to told or something.
Okay, now for content:
Maybe you could talk about how she the kid didn't really mean that you were different in your identity self, but I you took it that way.
But overall, its good.
