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'Public School / IB Diploma' - Intellectual vitality + what matters to you


muznaa23 4 / 15  
Dec 29, 2011   #1
ESSAY 1: What matters to you and why?
I need to cut down words on this one (specifically about 220 characters)

August 31, 2006 was my first day in public school. I had, both, waited for this day and dreaded it. Since kindergarten I was enrolled in a private, religious school: Orange Crescent. Through OCS I established my religious foundation; I experienced and immersed myself in my religion, Islam. However, after seven years, it was time for me focus on my secular education. It was a bittersweet feeling to be leaving.

Public school didn't sound too bad. I was excited to be trying something new. Yet, I was still nervous. In every possible way, I was different: different culture, different religion, different name. The odds weren't in my favor, yet surprisingly, many of the critical junior high kids I had heard so much about accepted me.

I was asked endless questions by students and teachers alike. "What language do you speak (Urdu)?" They weren't too bitter, though. New friends would come over excitedly to model in my traditional clothes. They truly enjoyed learning about my culture and religion, and I enjoyed explaining to them.

Not everybody was as accepting. At times, I felt like an outcast, and I began to hide my culture to be "normal." I avoided and neglected everything unique about me. Going out in public in my traditional clothing was embarrassing to me; every stare, every glance pierced me like a needle.

It was a futile effort; my culture was so much a part of me that I felt incomplete without acknowledging its influence. I realized I didn't need to hide my culture nor completely submerse myself into it; I tried to find a middle-ground. I needed to assimilate to American culture without sacrificing my own. I combined my principles with American traditions. My family and I began celebrating Christmas; opening presents Christmas morning, like everybody else, slowly became normal customs for us. We celebrate both Islamic holidays and American holidays just as they are.

Finally, I was content with where I was and how I was; there was no need to change. As an American-born Pakistani, I incorporated the cultures of my heritage and my environment, in myself. Now, walking into an American restaurant in Shalwar Kameez (traditional clothing) isn't that weird to me anymore.

ESSAY 2: Stanford students possess an intellectual vitality. Reflect on an idea or experience that has been important to your intellectual development.
This one needs A LOT of work. I know the ideas are everywhere and its not organized at all. i just need to know what more I can add and how i can make flow better.

When I learned that every IB diploma candidate is required to take Theory of Knowledge, I was somewhat excited. I imagined Socratic seminars, no homework, and no exams: this class was going to be a breeze. However, TOK wasn't exactly as I had expected it to be. We have never done a Socratic seminar, and there are many writing assignments and exams, but I enjoy every minute of it. I anticipate walking in to class and finding interesting articles titled, "The 10 Commandments of Steve," or "Personal Best," waiting for me on my desk. Reading articles like these not only makes me a more aware and well-read person, but also introduces me to many new perspectives on ideas. I feel these articles force me to question what I have been taught as child as I am now-and will be especially during college-exposed to the many different outlooks and opinions about global and community issues. I feel this class has specifically prepared me for college life, where I won't be shielded from any harsh reality like I am now. Living in conservative Orange County, my parents have done a great job of protecting me from the "ugly truth"-so to speak. TOK not only gives me the opportunity to question the beliefs my parents have instilled in me but also to compare my beliefs to others'. Although TOK may not be an easy A, the way I interpret my beliefs, and so many other things in my life, will never be the same.
yuanyuan3045 6 / 23  
Dec 29, 2011   #2
"I was excited to try something new."
I think you can cut out "In every possible way..accepted me."
"we now celebrate both Christmas and _______"
Some parts were repetitive, like " Finally, I was content with where I was and how I was; there was no need to change."

Overall strong essay.

"TOK wasn't exactly what I expected it to be."
Explain what kind of harsh realities are you shielded from, like expanding on the ugly-truth because it seems out of nowhere.

Good Luck!
calvinwang 3 / 32  
Dec 29, 2011   #3
Essay1:
Since kindergarten I was enrolled in a private , religious school: Orange Crescent
since ur over ur character limit, no need for extra adjectives. all religious schools are private schools right? (i might be wrong lol)

In every possible way, I was different

I'd write "I was different in every possible way:" or even take out the word possible. when ur over ur limit every little cut helps.

Not everybody was as accepting

add a transitional word like However or Yet to make it flow better

We celebrate both Islamic holidays and American holidays just as they are.
I felt like that was already implied from past sentences. Doesn't really take away much meaning if you dont have that sentence.

overall i really liked your topic. It makes you stand out... in a good way :P

Essay 2:
To tell you the truth, I dont kno what IB diploma candidate, Socratic seminars, or "The 10 Commandments of Steve," or "Personal Best" is, so i feel my advise will be incomplete.

Add more detail on the relevation you had after reading the 10 commandments and personal best. What questions poped into your head? I also agree with yuanyuan. The end was a bit undeveloped. Try to write a little bit on your previous beliefs. Do like a before/after type of essay to really show your growth. Oh and what are IB diploma candidate, Socratic seminars, or "The 10 Commandments of Steve," or "Personal Best?" If it isnt something openly obvious adding a little about those can help too. If it is openly obvious then i apologize for my ignorance. hah xD
OP muznaa23 4 / 15  
Dec 29, 2011   #4
Well the AO's will know what IB is: its an international baccaulaureate program
socratic seminars or those things when you kinda have a debate in class
The commdandments and personal best were just 2 of the many articles we received in class..so idk how to explain that..

Ya, the second one is definitely a work in progress, once i reread it a couple times i hope it'll get better.

Thanks for your input! it really helps! :)
Anxhela 6 / 28  
Dec 29, 2011   #5
In the first essay I think you should explain what brought you to finally understand that there was no need to change..I mean this passage doesn't explain how you have grown up..

for the rest I think it's pretty good..I liked how you talked about it..

The second essay
I think it is overall a good essay.. I think you should leave it as it is..

Can you check my "UPenn supplement short answer...final essay,please be harsh"?

Hope this helps
militia 1 / 5  
Dec 29, 2011   #6
"I had, both, waited for this day and dreaded it." I think the commas here are unnecessary.

"Through OCS I established my religious foundation; I experienced and immersed myself in my religion, Islam." You can make it more concise since you're over the limit by instead saying "Through OCS I experienced and immersed myself in my religion, Islam."

"It was a bittersweet feeling to be leaving." You can say "Leaving gave me a bittersweet feeling."

"different culture, different religion, different name" you can say "different culture, religion, name" so it still has that tone of this list of differences that never ends

"opening presents Christmas morning, like everybody else, slowly became normal customs for us." I think it should be "slowly became a normal custom for us."

Besides these suggestions, I liked your essay and thought it said a lot about you and how culture and just accepting who you without shame are very important to you. It was good that you showed the long way you came.

As for the second essay, I didn't think it was as bad as you thought. You chose a good experience to talk about and showed its impact on your intellectual development.

Although TOK may not be an easy A, the way I interpret my beliefs, and so many other things in my life, will never be the same.

I don't think you need the last two commas

I feel these articles force me to question what I have been taught as child as I am now-
as A child SINCE I HAVE BEEN - and will be in college - etc.


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