Public speaking; My academic goal-Wisconsin-Madison PS

Hi! It's me again > <...I really need your help in my personal statement! Pls feel free to edit! It's very urgent!!! Thank You Very Much !

Tell us about your academic goals, circumstances that may have had an impact on your academic performance, and, in general, anything else you would like us to know in making an admission decision.

Public speaking consistently ranks second in life's most stressful events, followed by divorce, bereavement and home foreclosure. Same as everyone else, I was afraid of speaking in front of the public too. Unfortunately in my Junior College Year 1, I had to take a subject named Project Work. In Project Work, we had to make a 5-minute oral presentation in front of our schoolmates as well as our school tutors.

Coming from China, I was not as good in English as my local friends. Despite the fact that I had taken English classes in China, oral presentation was still a tough task for me. In order to secure an "A" grade in my Project Work, I was focused and determined to strive to achieve excellence despite language difficulties. Providence does not let down a man who does his best. I achieved great results in my previous sections such as Preliminary Ideas, with the help of my other group mates.

Even I had worked so hard in Project Work, I still could not do my oral presentation well. I had written my scripts and memorized them, but my pronunciation was not clear enough due to nervousness for the tutor to catch what I was saying. I had sought help from my seniors. They advised me to practice in front of mirror everyday. I listened to their advice and did my preparation everyday.

Claudia 'Lady Bird' Johnson said, "The way to overcome shyness is to become so wrapped up in something that you forget to be afraid." With so many practices, I was able to confidently explain the detail of our project. Although in the end I only score a "B" in Project Work due to the lack of answering technique,I still learn a lot from the Project Work.

First is the importance of cooperation. Without the help of my tutor, my group mates and my seniors, I would not even score a "B". Second is consistent hard work will eventually bring me to my designated goal. Last and most importantly, public speaking is no longer a nightmare for me.

I had achieved my academic goal in Project work. Now my ultimate goal is to be accepted by the University of Wisconsin-Madison.I will be able to pursue my academic goal because of its abundant resources and well developed learning environment. I also look forward to participate in various school activities and apply what I had learned from Project Work. I believe with my presence, University of Wisconsin-Madison will experience a big difference. I hope I will have the honor to join the University of Wisconsin-Madison and be part of the student body.

I attened University of Wisconsin-Madison. Here are some general things I think you could do to make your essay more competitive:

First- Be more positive. Never say anything negative- always put a positive spin on things!!


Instead of saying this you could say, "Fortunately, I had the opportunity to improve upon my public speaking skills during... " You can go on to say that it was a struggle but that you ultimately are a better applicant because you overcame the obstacle of public speaking.

Second- I like the content of your essay but it doesn't flow well. You need a lot of help with sentence structure. Do you have a writing center at your school or even a guidance counseler? I would have someone proof read this for you.

Third- Try not to generalize so much. When you say


you need to say exactly what qualities or skills or what type of outlook you would bring to UW. Anyone can say that they plan to make a difference. Not everyone can verbalize how.

The content of the essay is good! I cannot say it enough though- PROOFREAD!

Best of Luck! Kris

Let's start with Grammar first. The essay has a number of grammatical errors, which can be a big turn of for some people in admissions' committee. For example:

Even I (Replace with Even though I ) had worked so hard in Project Work, I still could not do my oral presentation well.

and I think this sentence needs rephrasing: "but my pronunciation was not clear enough due to nervousness for the tutor to catch what I was saying." Try breaking it up into two smaller sentences.

I like how you describe your struggle and how you overcame it. And the use of the Claudia Johnson's quote adds a lot to the essay. :)