Pueblo, the city I live in - Prompt 1 for admission to UC schools:

If anyone has any feedback, it would be greatly appreciated. Good or bad I can take it, please be truthful.

Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

The city that I live in is by no means an architectural gem. We have not produced many outstanding athletes, businessmen, or politicians. More often than not we make the wrong choice when choosing who should lead us and most times we don't follow current fashion or faddish behavior. We do not particularly mesh well with the larger cities surrounding us, and if I'm not mistaken we're talked down upon by most of the folks who live north of us. We, however, have qualities that can't be matched by our supposed superiors. We have character and compassion; qualities not so easily come by.

Built on the foundation of hard work, Pueblo was founded as the Steel-City. It was here that the Bessemer process skyrocketed as the most economic way of manufacturing steel, and it was here that high grade steel was manufactured into rail which linked our country together. Due to the high demand for workers, my city became the adopted home of immigrants from all corners of the world. Enriched with all backgrounds from Western and Eastern Europe, South America, Africa, and Asia, we are a microcosm of what NYC would be if they hadn't been on steroids.

Some of our qualities can be easy to miss just by driving through a neighborhood, but it is the nuanced aspects of my city that make it great. Many of my northern "friends" have informed me what they really think of my city (that it's a ghetto, dilapidated place), but they have surely missed what truly makes a city great; a diverse population, hard workers, and most importantly tolerant individuals. It is from people who've experienced adversity, poverty, and prejudice first hand that a sense of community emerges and character is born.

It used to be that this sense of community was only found between immigrants banded together in a single neighborhood, but as time clicked by these sects saw their common circumstance and became more accepting of each other and their sense of community became larger. They learned that compromise and acceptance of diversity was an essential ingredient of success. Although they celebrated their individuality, they appreciated that they were just one small aspect of this greater phenomenon called humanity. I guess I would've been able to understand this by simply reading the writings of the great philosophers, but I would never have felt it so passionately.

What I'm getting at is that my community has given me a special gift, a gift of not being judgmental, of not seeing myself as special. I have an insight in seeing the significance and value of every person, which does not create an arbitrary hierarchy, which ranks human importance and minimizes some existence. My experience has led me to reject pointless elitism and the politics of exclusion. It has been these community teachings that have educated me on the essential lessons of acceptance, tolerance, and compassion. It is, I believe, these qualities which will shape my goals and define my successes or failures.

make sure you keep plural with plural and singular with singular. Some flips in the first para.


I'm confused, what do you mean?
a city great; a diverse population, <semi-colon misuse. use a colon>


<transitions would help. about this first line of the paragraph, ask yourself why you say this>


<you is informal. I see some sarcasm here, but make this more a personal statement. why will I delighted to see such a thing? explain and tell more about how this community/city has affected you.>


again, somewhat informal, at least I think so.

, as clichéd as it is, <seems like more looking down on people, does this mean that you don't want to fit into cliches? that you want to be different? maybe say that in a less cynical way?>

my DNA <about this usage, it's interesting, but character is not an embedded trait...it's not natural to all. by imprinted, do you mean it's been stamped on? that this world has made you thus? that's interesting...>

Comments: maybe less on how this world is, although it's VERY descriptive, and mention more how it has shaped you. about "character" what do you mean? As a "westerner," maybe I don't understand what you're implying.

Good luck!

It seems that your focusing more on the city, or geography rather than the prompt, about 1/5 of your essay is on you, you should go for at least about a quarter... at least. i'm not sure i'mnot that great of a writer. ,could you take a look at mine too?

goodluck only a couple hours left

Too impersonal? I tried taking a unique approach to the prompt, however I'm worried that I may not have been too succesful. Please, any advice would be great. Positive or negative.

This should be a dash, not a semi-colon:
We have character -- a trait not so easily come by.

A dash works like a flamboyant, melodramatic comma. It is powerful in this sentence.