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Puke sky? Carnegie Mellon Supplementary Essay


alicederp 10 / 56 4  
Dec 29, 2012   #1
Please be as critical as you like. ALL comments and suggestions are greatly appreciated. If you like I would be glad to help with yours.

"Mommy where'd the corn go?"

"Ew why does the sky look like puke?"

When my mom tried to explain China's economic growth with something involving houses, factories, and GDP portrayed through an impressive carnival analogy, my five-year-old brain was completely boggled but fascinated. Though it wasn't until much later did I start to develop an inkling of this economic growth, my desire to explain the changing environment persisted throughout the years and upon having the opportunity of learning economics as I entered the IB diploma program in 11th grade, developed into a passion for economics.

Finally having a name for the mystical workings that vanished all the corn and yellowed the sky, I came to quickly appreciate its relevance, its invisible laws dictating the workings of modern society. Live demonstration of the delicate balance between recovery and economic disasters since the global market failure in 2008 further emphasized the importance of the subject and strengthened my desire to pursue it.

In choosing a university program to deepen my understanding of economics, I looked for one that not only offered excellent teaching, but also emphasize and celebrated the diverse nature of economics. In short, this led me straight to the doors of the Carnegie Mellon economics program. With it's unique position as the only joint undergraduate program of the Tepper School of Business and the Dietrich College of Humanities and Social Sciences, it offers a much more extensive database of resources. Together with the feature of a secondary major and a minor from Dietrich College, I feel there is a definite acknowledgement for the subject's diversity. Personally, I would like to pursue psychology as a the secondary major or minor due to its close entwinement with economics that would facilitate greater understanding of both subjects and give me a cutting edge to the average undergraduate economics degree. In addition, the plethora of available internships supplements classroom knowledge and will help me gain invaluable experience in preparation for my future in the branch.

The steep slope of improvement in my grades throughout high school demonstrates maturation and focus. Thus, being part of the prestigious economics program at Carnegie Mellon University is the perfect next step in reaching my full potential. From acknowledgement and celebration of the relevance of economics to the vast innovative and research opportunities, I would be honored to attend Carnegie Mellon University.

yisha 6 / 33 8  
Dec 29, 2012   #2
"Mommy where'd the corn go?"

"Ew why does the sky look like puke?"

Well I don't think they are relevent to your topic.

InWhen choosing a university program to deepen my understanding of economics, I looked for one that not only offered excellent teaching, but also emphasize and celebrated the diverse nature of economics.

With it'sits unique position as the only joint undergraduate program of the Tepper School of Business and the Dietrich College of Humanities and Social Sciences, it offers a much more extensive database of resources.

In addition,the plethora ofabundant available internships supplements classroom knowledge and will help me gain invaluable experience in preparation for my future in the branch.

Overall your essay is clear and logical. If you can add something show us the development of your interest and how you can engage in the academic atmosphere of the university, that would be better.

Wish you good luck!
And could you comment on mine?
zdv 12 / 68 2  
Dec 29, 2012   #3
Though it wasn't until much later THAT I startED to develop an inkling of this economic growth, my desire to explain the changing environment persisted throughout the years and upon having the opportunity of learning economics as I entered the IB diploma program in 11th grade, developed into a passion for economics. (THIS SENTENCE IS TOO LONG. MAKES IT CONFUSING. MAYBE YOU SHOULD CUT IT DOWN INTO TWO OR THREE SENTENCES).

I looked for one that not only offered excellent teaching, but also emphasizeD and celebrated the diverse nature of economics.
With it's (ITS) unique position as the only

APART FROM THESE ERRORS THAT ARE CORRECTED IN CAPITAL LETTERS, I THINK THE ESSAY IS GREAT. YOUR REASONS ARE GOOD AND THE CONNECTION TO THE COLLEGE IS ALSO GOOD. HOWEVER I FEEL LIKE ITS A LITTLE HEAVY AROUND THE MIDDLE WHEN I READ IT (IF YOU GET IT). TRY TO MAKE IT A LITTLE LIGHT SO THAT ITS FUN TO READ AND HOLDS THE READER'S ATTENTION.
OP alicederp 10 / 56 4  
Dec 29, 2012   #4
Hmm thanks for the feedback! I'll definitely edit and incorporate your advice. Of course! (:
vallh6018 1 / 8 1  
Dec 29, 2012   #5
The two quotes at the top are very confusing and while I get the idea that it's in reference to your mother's explanation I know nothing more than that. I would suggest removing them unless you plan on elaborating
Ace1995 1 / 8  
Dec 30, 2012   #6
I really liked the introduction. You're making the essay personal and showing what influenced your decision to major inn economics. However, when you start discussing why you chose Carnegie-Mellon, you started sounding like a brochure for the university. I know what you meant, but try and change the wording a bit so it sounds more like your opinion. Other than that, great essay! Hope you're accepted :D Please check mine.
OP alicederp 10 / 56 4  
Dec 30, 2012   #7
Thank you for the feedback! Yeah it does sound a bit like a brochure haha. But do you think I should talk more about what I'm gonna do with the undergraduate degree in the future?

Sure no problem!
icanfly1 - / 8 2  
Dec 30, 2012   #8
yet fascinated by t he descriptions of building more houses

And upon having the opportunity of learning economics as I entered the IB diploma program in 11th grade, was when I developed into a passion for economics.

but also emphasized and celebrated the diverse

that would facilitate greater understanding of both subjects and give me a cutting edge to the average undergraduate economics degree

Sounds funny. Try cleaning it up.

The steep slope of improvement in my grades throughout high school demonstrates maturation and focus.

Sounds a tad bit pretentious.

Thus, I believe the prestigious economics program at Carnegie Mellon University is the perfect next step in my pursuit of economics .

Redundancy lol

rom acknowledgement and celebration of the relevance of economics to the vast innovative and research opportunities, I would be truly honored to attend Carnegie Mellon University.

Best conclusion I've seen in a while. End with a BANG!!

Loved your essay. Read it out loud, and fix any awkward phrases. Otherwise, it's fabulous.

Hope you get in!
Ace1995 1 / 8  
Dec 30, 2012   #9
No I think what you've discussed is enough. If you could make that section I told you about a bit more personal, I think you'll be fine. Good luck!
OP alicederp 10 / 56 4  
Dec 30, 2012   #10
Thank you both so much for your help!

I'll iron out the mistakes and definitely make it more personal in the middle section.
enigma33 2 / 44 3  
Dec 30, 2012   #11
You did really well on every part except for explaining why Carnegie Mellon. As somebody else mentioned in the comments, it was very generic and I could have substituted any other university for CMU and it wouldnt change. They want to know the specific programs that are ONLY offered at CMU that made you choose it.

Hope I helped! And would you mind checking my Uchicago essay its pretty urgent?


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