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"Pumpernickel do not go inside the kitchen" a bump in the road in my personal life


sweetnyangie 2 / 6  
Aug 11, 2010   #1
Pumpernickel in the Kitchen

"Pumpernickel do not go inside the kitchen", I yelled out to my baby brother. I say this multiple times a day while I'm at home watching him. I don't let him go in the kitchen because he plays with the pots, or makes a mess. I really don't let him go in the kitchen because he could hit his head on the tile floor causing him to go into a seizure, and then be sent to the hospital for several days. My brother, Ej, was born with many birth defects which brands him as a special needs baby. My family and I have to constantly watch him to make sure that he doesn't hurt himself. During school time, watching Ej becomes difficult because I have lots of homework, deadlines, and extracurricular activities to do. Ej has a nurse that comes Mon.-Fri from 8am-4pm, and sometimes on Saturday. So when I come from school, I only have a few hours to myself before I have to take care of Ej or my 4 other siblings. I am officer of the Drama club at Taravella High. Drama club's activities are vigorous, and require me to be at every single one. I love my little brother, but I don't want to miss any of my activities. Or I don't want to do poorly on any of my tests because I had to watch him, and no time to study. "Pumpernickel. I already told you that you can't go into the kitchen." I don't even know what's so special about the kitchen to him, but I know that he's very special to me.
ershad193 14 / 333 5  
Aug 13, 2010   #2
I don't let him go in the kitchen ... I really don't let him go in the kitchen because he ...

I think you should keep only the second sentence. Just remove the word "really".

Ej has a nurse that comes Mon.-Fri from 8am-4pm, and sometimes on Saturday

This sentence doesn't seem necessary.

Or I don't want to do poorly on any of my tests because I had to watch him, and no time to study

There is something wrong with this sentence. I couldn't come up with a suggestion.

I think the conclusion needs some work. It seemed a bit sudden to me.
zengrz - / 92  
Aug 13, 2010   #3
Hi.

I can tell that your brother plays a huge role in your life but I think what the lacks is your response to this obstacle. What did you to overcome this obstacle?

The organization is not the best too. You need more paragraphs to show the development.

G L~
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Aug 13, 2010   #4
This is masterful. I don't know if I could do something that has this kind of subtlety. How did you decide where to include the dialogue? It seems exactly right.

And pumpernickel is an entrancing word...

Only one thing to fix:
I love my little brother, but I don't want to miss any of my activities or do poorly on any of my tests because watching him interferes with my studies.

About Ershad's comments... I really like the sentences about making a mess with pots and pans, and I like the other sentence too! I would not want to lose them. But I totally agree with your other 2 suggestions.

Reyz, I see what you mean. Angelica should mention a bit about the ways she overcomes this obstacle.
OP sweetnyangie 2 / 6  
Aug 14, 2010   #5
Hello, and thank you for all the advice that you guys have given me.I really appreciate it. I revised my essay, and please tell me what you think.

Rey Z: I would love to add more paragraphs, but this essay is required to be 250 words, and I already went over 250 words.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Aug 14, 2010   #6
comma:
"Pumpernickel, do not ...

I like it! This one really gives the reader a cool experience as we see you interacting with the cat.
zengrz - / 92  
Aug 15, 2010   #7
Hi.

I see. I am mistaken this for a common essay, my bad.

Your essay is special, it captures the reader's attention by introduce something small but unique to your brother. I think it is really appropriate, though appropriate is not quite the word. It is like something snapped right in place.

I like the way you get so true about the circumstances, instead of trying to be a poet like many people do. Really sorry if I offend you in anyway.

G L~
OP sweetnyangie 2 / 6  
Aug 16, 2010   #8
No, you didn't offend me at all.You were just doing your job and giving me advice.Thanks a lot!
:)


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