'Punch. Kick. Kick. Repeat' - briefly elaborate on one of your activities

Hello Everyone)
This is my short essay for commapp.
I need some healthy criticism that would be appreciated)

Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (1000 character maximum).

Sweat drops glide down my forehead, then curve around my cheek. Some choose to drip from my chin; the others continue their descent down my neck to be eventually soaked up by the cotton of my kimono. My breath is offbeat - I pant like a dog. Red, blue and green sparkling dots obtrude my vision, swarming like flies. I am tired. Extremely. " Focus. Aim in the middle", my karate master reminds me. Left arm punch. A straight kick to solar plexus. A roundhouse kick to head of my imaginary foe. Repeat. I struggle to apply the same force to my hits, while my body is bathed in sticking sweat and muscles are aching with tension. I just want to sit down and close my giddy eyes. But I do not. Punch. Kick. Kick. Repeat. Just the same formula of victory... "Everyone can go rest now" -- I kneel down and inhale deeply. Ten years of training, yet reaching your limit is always exhausting. I come home, feeling ephemeral, and then go to train again. No pain, no gain it is.

I go home... then back to training (instead of come home) since the scene you`ve set is at the training grounds.

I pant like a dog??? i think it is a little too informal ^^, trying something else

Thanks guys for your time)
Houshina, what exactly is informal in "I pant like a dog" ? "dog"? I meant this as a comparison, you know, like "run like a zebra" or "fly like a bird".

Tucayana, I wrote "I am tired. Extremely." like that to convey the sense of my offbeat breath, like when you are tired you can't speak long sentences.

And guys, overall, how is my essay?

I like your short answer, Khanh! But I do think "pant like a dog" is a little informal (I don't know. I love dogs, but I don't like the sound of the word).

Also, I'm not sure what "the same formula of victory" really is. It's obscure. Then you wrote "Everyone can go rest now"- a little abrupt, rite?

I totally loved it ! This is certainly not helpful for your short answer but I think it's important to let you know you did a great job ! I am working on my extracurricular essay right now as well and I hope you'll take a look you like you did for my essay. I don't know if there is a way of sending PM on here but I would like to correspond with you, if it possible. Should I give you my email address or something ?

Thanks a lot, Lea , your feedback is helpful.)) my email is khanhzzzzz@gmail but why don't you submit it here?

I really like this! I totally get the feel of your choppy sentences as you're feeling out of breath. You could probably come up with a better analogy than "pant like a dog." It just doesn't flow with the rest of your essay. And the "formula for victory" is very vague. Other than that I loved it! It's very descriptive and I feel like I'm right there with you! Could you help me make mine more descriptive?

Tnx Alexis, how abound "pant like a hound?"

The slow build is very good but maybe the ending of your essay needs work. You can also build up more because you only have around 700 characters.

Ten years of training, yet reaching your limit is always exhausting. I come home, feeling ephemeral, and then go to train again. No pain, no gain it is.

I think the "your" should be my
The build is very nice but make your 10 years of karate worth it by emphasizing surpassing your limits have helped you.
Overall, it is very nice. Great job.

"Hound" does seem to sound better.

Nancy, thanks a lot, but the limit includes spaces as well, so I can't add anything, only revise