I need help propfreading and just how to improve it overall. Please be harsh.
Option #5. A range of academic interests, personal perspectives, and life experiences adds much to the educational mix. Given your personal background, describe an experience that illustrates what you would bring to the diversity in a college community, or an encounter that demonstrated the importance of diversity to you.
The raw sound of distorted guitar coupled with the fast tempo of the drums was all that I could hear. The noise coming through the PA system was so loud that it became a physical experience. It was my first punk show. So out of place next to the Mohawks and nearly knee high Dr. Marten boots, but at the same time-a perfect fit in the crowd. That is what I love about music. Every person at the House of Blues that night had come to see the Adicts. We all left what was going on at home, the paper that was due at school tomorrow, the early rise for work the next morning; all of that was behind us. I was there because I loved the music and so was everyone else around me.
Thrown into the mosh fit like a feather, I was full of fear: fear of getting hurt, of looking stupid, of not knowing what to do. Where did Connor go? All of these thoughts were whirling around in my head, but it didn't matter. The person to my right, to my left, and the guy crowd surfing over my head-we were all singing the same lyrics.
It is only in art that this kind of unity exists. Complete strangers are able to share a moment together. Throw up a barrier and music will break it down. I saw this again halfway across the world, as I was blessed enough to go on a mission's trip to Malawi. The Malawian people are dirt poor, more gracious than anyone you will ever meet, amazing singers and dancers: polar opposites of people from Orange County. As if this wasn't enough, I knew little of their native language Chewa and only the highly educated fluently speak English. Confined to the greetings of "How are you?" or "Muli bwanji?" and "Jesus loves you" or "Yesu amakukondani" my relationships with the children I met in Malawi were rooted in games and song. My friend Jake and I brought our guitars, singing anything from Johnny Cash to Bob Marley to the children in the villages. They would do their best to sing along and then eagerly teach us one in their language. Laughing at us the entire time for our poor accents and white skin, we began to build relationships with one another and to forget about the initial barriers that existed between us.
Music has taught me how important it is to find what you can share with others. So often people divide themselves by magnifying their differences, when in reality, they have more in common than not. In Malawi I learned about loving people and what it means to have a relationship with someone in an environment free of distraction. I learned this, something that altered my perspective forever, from people I couldn't even fully converse with. As one human in this very large world, I have the possibility to meet, learn from, and share with so many others. If me, some middleclass and seemingly shy girl from Orange County, can find my place at a punk show or in a Malawian village, I know college holds endless possibilities to meet and learn from many backgrounds. Something as simple as a song contains the ability to fill the gap that labels of race, class, and distance put in between us. When that gap is erased, people are able to share their perspectives, and through them better one another.
"Laughing at us the entire time for our poor accents and white skin, we began to build relationships with one another and to forget about the initial barriers that existed between us."
The dominant clause of this sentence has to start with WHO was laughing at you, or it is gramatically incorrect.
for example:
Laughing at us the entire time for our poor accents and white skin, the natives began to build relationships and forget about the initial barriers that existed between us.
When I read the first paragraph, I think the AO reader might get an impression from "Adicts" and from the suggestion that you chose this over completing a paper due in the morning... it is not that any of that is very bad, but perhaps you can write this in a way that plants all positive ideas about you. Even "punk" might not be something the AO reader can appreciate. It is not bad, but it might make some other applicant win more favor than you.
I have a weird suggestion for you.. How about moving that last paragraph to the beginning. That would be a great start for an essay! Then maybe the paragraph that is currently the intro can become paragraph 2.
:-)
