I was wondering if any could look at my essay and maybe tell me how I can make it better
Essay question:What is the best advice you have ever received? Describe how it has helped you and how you have used it.
I have received advice and words of wisdom from countless people. None of it, however, really stuck until I hear d the advice my father gave me: "If an opportunity comes your way, take it." This was the best advice I have ever received. After sixth grade, I took every opportunity I could to pursue what I love: technology, building objects, and solving problems. From that point on, I realized I wanted to be an engineer. From sixth grade to my senior year of high school, I took all the possible electives related to engineering.
Near the end of eighth grade, I was given an opportunity to take engineering classes in high school that would give me college credits. I enrolled into a class called "Project Lead the Way Introduction to Engineering". This opportunity opened my eyes to the numerous fields of engineering, and it helped me narrow down the fields of engineering that I would be interested in pursuing. This class gave me the opportunity to build hover crafts, and design 3D models on the computer. After taking this class, I found out that there were three more similar engineering classes offered at the high school level that I had the option of taking. I continued on with Computer Integrated Manufacturing my sophomore year, Aerospace Engineering my junior year, and Principles of Engineering my senior year.
During my sophomore year, when I was taking Computer Integrated Manufacturing, my father's advice really showed some significance. One day in class, my engineering teacher suggested that I apply for an internship program called the Worthy Program, which is affiliated with Northrop Grumman Corporation. Several students apply to this internship annually. After filling out a few forms, and a couple of interviews, I was selected. It is a two year program, and a scholarship would be given at the completion of the program. I agreed without hesitation, as I knew this was the greatest opportunity of my high school career. I began my internship the beginning of my junior year. Northrop Grumman, a business and engineering based company, provided me two engineers to work with who became my mentors. They showed me what engineers really do, how engineers approach a problem, and helped me discover more about the engineering background. The opportunity of this internship has helped me understand the field of engineering, how to network with others, and how I can apply these principles in the real world.
My father's advice to me was the most important advice I had ever received because it prepared me for life. Without his advice, I would have never taken any engineering classes. Without his advice, I would have never applied for the internship. Without his advice, I would have never been in the position I am today. I have realized that there are opportunities out there for everyone, and all we need to do is seize those opportunities.
Great job! I would have enjoyed it if you told the context within which your father gave that advice. Did he mean that you should discipline yourself to be proactive when opportunity is presented? What was the situation, why did he say that?
If you explain it more, it will be more meaningful. Is it really true that you would not have gotten those experiences if he had not given that advice? It sounds like a guiding principle for life: Do not be lazy when opportunity knocks. Do not fail to rise to the occasion.
I think you should change the first 2 sentences in the first paragraph. Say something about the circumstances that made your father's comment give you a revelation. Expand on how he explained it.
i have been trying to fix it but here is what i have so far for the first paragraph:
My father has always told me that the best opportunity he ever received was coming to United States. Coming to the United States, he was able to prove himself, apply his skills, and grow more in the field of engineering. The opportunities he received in the United States were far greater than the opportunities offered in his own country. From his experiences, my father gave me the advice: "If an opportunity comes your way, take it."
