Unanswered [3] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Undergraduate   % width Posts: 3


Pursue a career in medicine after witnessing woman go into full cardiac arrest - Personal Statement


gracechen31 1 / -  
Oct 25, 2015   #1
Prompt: You may use your personal statement to highlight special interests, talents, goals, or unique experiences.500 word maximum.

As the pastor's deep, empowering voice bellowed in the background, I sat at the end of the pew, half asleep. In an effort to stay awake, I began to synchronize my breathing with the cadenced breaths of the elderly woman sitting in front of me, zoning out the sounds and surroundings of the church sanctuary. I continued with this pattern, even as her breaths became shorter and heavier. After approximately twelve strained breaths, she began to gasp, at which this point i stopped. She took one last heave, and the 85-year-old woman collapsed, falling from her seat to the ground, landing on her chin. The pastor stopped speaking. Gasps of concern were heard from around the room. Not one person moved. It felt as if all time had stopped. I stood there, frozen in place/paralyzed, petrified, with my heart pounding out of my chest, feeling as if everyone was expecting me to do something. The woman showed no signs of movement, of consciousness, of life. Breaking the silence, a man shouted from amid the crowd to roll the woman onto her back to prepare for CPR. He made his way through the mass of people and I watched as he repeatedly thrusted his arms up and down on her chest, breathing through her mouth every few seconds.

I was twelve years old at the time. I remember walking into class the next day, telling my classmates and teachers about how I witnessed a lady "die and come back to life." Never would I have imagined that that day would come to influence the choices I make today. Witnessing this event sparked a desire in me to help people. I remember how helpless I felt, standing with the woman's comatose body lying at my feet. It's one of the worst feelings,-standing there, wishing you could help, all the while knowing there is nothing you can do. However, at the same time, I remember the man who saved her life. I admired how he took charge, remaining nonchalant throughout the situation. I idolized his bravery and leadership as he resuscitated the woman. Having witnessed this incident has led me to decide to pursue a career in medicine, where I can devote my life to the aid of others.

My passion for medicine has not only driven me to become a better student, but to help out wherever I can. Having seen poverty in different areas of the state and country, I feel very passionately about the well-being of others. Although I did not possess the ability to aid the people medically, I found other ways to help, including rebuilding schools and teaching young children how to read and write. Just by doing the smallest things to help change someone's day brings me satisfaction. Furthermore, my desire to pursue medicine has facilitated my devotion to learning and fascination of the human body. My strengths in math and science, as well as my interest in human anatomy and physiology indicate that this is the right direction for me, as medicine is the perfect union between my love for learning and helping others and leaving a positive impact on the world.

In about ten years from now, I hope to see myself as the one resuscitating a woman who has just fallen into cardiac arrest. I will no longer feel scared or helpless, rather and qualified and accountable. The opportunity to make a difference in someone's life or well-being is reason enough for me to chase after a career in the medical field, but the fact that it is also a multi-faceted field with constantly evolving specialties and technologies only heightens my desire to pursue this as a lifelong career.

-------------------------------------------------
What should i cut, I am at 617 words, which is well over the maximum.
Be harsh, I will not take offense, just looking for feedback.

and this sentence sounds awkward to me, but not sure how to fix it
--->Furthermore, my desire to pursue medicine has facilitated my devotion to learning and fascination of the human body.

Thanks!!!
vangiespen - / 4,134 1449  
Oct 25, 2015   #2
Grace, I revised certain parts of your essay to bring down the word count. Let me show you the revised parts here. You should be able to follow the rest of the paragraph using the ellipses. By the way, the new count is 442:

When I was twelve years old, I witnessed an old lady "die and come back to life". It happened during Sunday service. The 85 year old woman was sitting in front of me in the next pew. I was trying to synchronize my breathing with hers to stay awake during the sermon of the pastor. Just as I was starting to doze off, the lady caught her breath, gasped, and fell to the floor. Within seconds someone was fighting his way to the collapsed woman while shouting for anyone to roll her onto her back. He was going to perform CPR. What unfolded next seemed like a slow motion movie to me. He leaned over her and repeatedly moved his linked arms up and down on her chest. Giving the breath of life every few seconds. I don't know how long it took before he managed to revive her but he did, long before the ambulance arrived.

Never would I have imagined that that day would influence the choices I make today. Witnessing this event sparked a desire in me to help people...

My passion for medicine has driven me to help out wherever I can. My desire to pursue medicine has facilitated my devotion to learning and fascination of the human body...

- I removed the part about helping the other communities because the statements you were making did not directly relate to medicine. You should always try to keep your focus centered on the topic of the essay. Which in this case, is the development of your interest in medicine.

Make the statement about where you see yourself ten years from now the closing statement of your essay. It needs to be a stand alone paragraph for maximum impact.
justivy03 - / 2,366 607  
Oct 30, 2015   #3
Grace, I'd like to share my thoughts on your essay.

1st paragraph
- It felt as if all time had stopped.
- Breaking the silence, a man shouted from amid the crowd to

- Never would I have imagined that, that day would
- It's one of the worst feelings,- standing there,
- However, at the same time,( you choose which of the phrase to use because they have the same meaning) I remember the man who saved her life.

- where I can devote my life to thein aid of others.

- of the state and the country as a whole ,
- I feelfelt very passionately about the well-being of others.
- Although I did not possess the ability to aid the people medically,
- My strengths in math and science,
- I will no longer feel scared or helpless, rather and qualified and accountable.

Grace, your essay is written with a good flow and structure, this is what I loved about it. You went from telling a story that led you to seek a passion and eventually influenced your path towards a lifelong career. Decisions like this doesn't come easy but you have a solid background, all you have to gather now is pertinent and hands on experience.

I hope to see more articles and for future writing reference, avoid phrases that may mislead your facts or the path that your article is going to.


Home / Undergraduate / Pursue a career in medicine after witnessing woman go into full cardiac arrest - Personal Statement
Writing
Editing Help?
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳