Unanswered [17] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Undergraduate   % width Posts: 8

'to pursue a human undertaking' - Georgetown significant activity essay


babygurl2012 4 / 15  
Dec 18, 2011   #1
The power of unity signifies humanity's desire for change. Our personal desires may sometimes forge a sense of importance but when our world is ailing, uniting as one can create waves of impact. I have witnessed a similar impact through my involvement within the Health Occupants Students of America Organization, (HOSA).

Our club encourages members to pursue a humanitarian cause in order to provide a helping hand within our world. This philosophy has provided the motivation for me to reach out to my generation in order to help inspire others to create change. A new beginning arrived with my senior year, when I took the initiative and launched The Water Project Chapter within my high school. After viewing news stories about the lack of clean drinking water in third world countries, I felt compelled to take a stand and speak up for my generation. Thousands of teenagers in Africa are dying due to dehydration; a simple issue which could be fixed. I was drawn to one particular story of sacrifice where a teenage boy gave up his water in order to quench the thirst of his pregnant mother. He inspired me to help bring the Water Project to my high school. HOSA provided me with the resources and members, to bring this global issue into perspective and create a chain of new beginnings for everyone involved.

My fellow HOSA members and I displayed bottles of dirty water to illustrate the difference between their water and ours. This helped outline the main reason for our campaign. We started small by setting up fundraisers where we sold bags of flavored popcorn and candy bars. Our efforts then expanded to selling hand made bracelets which stated, 'be the change'. This endeavor forever changed our campaign because we were able to raise enough funds for building three wells so families could have clean drinking water.

The Water Project brought our entire organization together as one body for change. Providing a helping hand to others is the legacy we want to leave behind in order to motivate future generations to take the stand that we took. Our mission is to influence others to help remedy some of the issues within our world, and The Water Project aims to do just that.
EF_Susan - / 2,364 12  
Dec 18, 2011   #2
Our club encourages members to pursue a human undertaking in order to discover a passion for humanity.---This is a little bit vague.

A new beginning arrived with my senior year,when I took the initiative and launched The Water Project Chapter within my high school.

After viewing news stories about the lack of adequate drinking water in third world countries, I felt compelled to take a stand and speak up for my generation.---This is so great!

Thousands of teenagers in Africa are dying due to dehydration; a simple issue which could be fixed.

I was drawn to one particular story of sacrifice where a teenage boy gave up his water in order to quench the thirst of his pregnant mother .

We started small by setting up fundraisers, and soon acquired a large following.

Our efforts expanded to selling hand made bracelets which stated, "be the change". This endeavor forever changed our campaign, because we raised numerous funds.

This helped outline the main reason for our campaign, and we were able to raise enough funds to build three wells so families could have clean drinking water.

This is so great! The world needs more people like you! Good luck with school and have fun!

:)
EF_Susan - / 2,364 12  
Dec 21, 2011   #3
Our personal desires may sometimes forge a sense of importance, but when our world is ailing, uniting as a single unit can create waves of impact.

HOSA provided me with the resources and members, to bring this global issue into perspective and create a chain of new beginnings for everyone involved.

Our efforts expanded to selling hand made bracelets, which stated "be the change".

This endeavor forever changed our campaign because we raised numerous funds.---'Numerous' doesn't sound quite right to me. I could be wrong though, as I sometimes am. :)

Our mission is to influence others to help remedy some of the issues within our world, and The Water Project aims to do just that.

I think you explained yourself very well. Good luck, Georgetown is beautiful.

:)
makman09 9 / 86  
Dec 21, 2011   #4
I'm not sure by significance, but is the essay trying to ask you to display the significance of an activity to you or the significance of an activity overall? If it's the latter, than you're on the spot. If it's the former, then I suggest you eliminate one or two sentence detailing the club's accomplishments and discuss how it impact you.

There's my two cents, now give me yours.
Can you critique mine please, The Yale One?
SeniorMel 7 / 45  
Dec 27, 2011   #5
Yes, you explained the significance clearly with good examples.
Prettywings 1 / 74  
Dec 27, 2011   #6
HOSA provided me with the resources and members,no comma here to bring this global issue into perspective and create a chain of new beginnings for everyone involved.

Our mission is to influence others to help remedy some of the issues within our world,;and The Water Project aims to do just that.

Interesting and impactive work you've done. Good luck!
ken99m 5 / 9  
Jan 4, 2012   #7
Nice work done by you. I really enjoyed reading your passage. You have tactics of writing, which keeps reader inciting to read passage more.
slythr 1 / 2  
Jan 9, 2012   #8
might be too late, but i do see one thing that i would change if i were you.

You should add a wrapping sentence at the end to sum up why this whole experience was significant to you. this sentence if you choose to add it will tie everything back to the prompt and make it much easier for the reader to find the significance the activity had on you--I, for one, had trouble finding it when i skimmed through it very quickly.

Remember this essay is about you not about the water project.

the essay for the most part is very good, but it seems that by the last para you lost focus. instead of getting back to the topic--the significance the activity had on you--the focus remained on the water project and its significance.

Make this one change and your essay will be perfect!

Good luck to you!! i'm also applying to GTown :)


Home / Undergraduate / 'to pursue a human undertaking' - Georgetown significant activity essay